So apparently I am work for practically free!?! More bullshit to stress over.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Not forgotten
Next week my child would have been 1! 1 year old and Gizmo is not here. It really pisses me off. I'm pissed this week. Just not a happy camper for multiple reasons. Why is my child gone? Man these anniversaries/birthdays really get to me. Christmas wasn't terrible but Wednesday is going to be bad. Whatever it's bullshit. I'm sick of continuing to pretend like I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm still not okay.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Wow it's been way too long since I've posted and October 15 again already?
It seriously has been way too long since I've posted. Not acceptable. Blogging is therapy for me and I have let it fall by the wayside. Anyway, I can't believe it's almost time for the October 15 ceremony again. Wow a year has passed already. I still haven't ordered the names in the sand picture but I'm going to within the next couple of days! Top priority. I hope that we have the same style ceremony as last year. I have found no information on it yet and I think I'm going to have to call. I hope everyone will make an effort to attend an event or at least light a candle. We are still moms even though are children are not here.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wow I can't believe it's almost October 15 again and what's up with me?
I really hope that they have the service at Journey Church again. It was great last year.
It's been a rough couple of months. My grandmother passed away and I lost my job again. I'm stressed to the max but what's new. I've been trying to spend a lot of time down east at my grandma's house because I feel so close to her there and actually close to Gizmo as well. I'm going to try to start posting again. It helped. Gizmo would have been 7 months old now and it's so hard to believe.
It's been a rough couple of months. My grandmother passed away and I lost my job again. I'm stressed to the max but what's new. I've been trying to spend a lot of time down east at my grandma's house because I feel so close to her there and actually close to Gizmo as well. I'm going to try to start posting again. It helped. Gizmo would have been 7 months old now and it's so hard to believe.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Almost a year
Well the dreaded week is finally here. June 18 is only a few days away and luckily without fail, I will be at the beach with my dear friend and coworker. I'm actually thinking of taking off a day this week to go visit my grandmother. I need to be without stress this week otherwise, I will loose it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friends
So I just talked to my friend who is due in about two months. I'm happy for her but the conversations are so draining. I could close my eyes and not wake up for days. It's a challenge to talk about what she is going through and what I didn't get. Thank goodness no work tomorrow. I am trying so hard not to cry right now. Why am I not chilling with my baby? Instead I am dreading June 18, a year already? How is this possible. God this sucks.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day
Well I can't say that I am sorry to see this day go. It has been one of the hardest days ever. I miss my baby so much it hurts. I cried myself to sleep last night and will probably do the same tonight. The pain is unbearable. I have done nothing but think about what should have been. It hurts so bad. I love you Gizmo.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one
Friday, May 6, 2011
Some Mother's Don't Get A Happy Ending
This post was on Grieve Out Loud's Facebook Page.
If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose him or her to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"
The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look @ life differently.
This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.
In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.
The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."
....Erma Bombeck
If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose him or her to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"
The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look @ life differently.
This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.
In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.
The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."
....Erma Bombeck
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sadness
It's strange now how I can just be overcome with sadness. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm all to pieces. I miss my little baby so much. Last year this time I was pregnant and now I have nothing. And next Sunday is mother's day. Great just great.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Mother's Day poem I found.
A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Happy Easter Gizmo
Tomorrow is Easter. Holidays are so tough without you. I miss you more than anything in this world. You should have your first Easter basket tomorrow, but you won't. I'm very sad and crying because I want you here with me. I want to stay home so bad.
I love you sweet baby.
I love you sweet baby.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wow! It's been a long time since I posted.
I'm definitely still around. Another hard date is coming up, April 25 will be the anniversary of baby Gizmo's conception. And seriously, if we could just skip over June that would be great. I honestly think that is going to be harder than January 18 was (due date).
I have not been to the past two Glory Baby meetings and I am so disappointed in myself. Work has been just a nightmare and I've been exhausted, but that's no excuse. I am also disappointed that it's been so long since I've posted. This is supposed to be my journal of feelings and what I'm going through. I'm going to start back posting.
I've been feeling kind of cut off from the world lately. I don't know what that means or what is going on. I guess I'm still focused on what should be going on right now. I should have a 3 month old little girl (I know in my heart I was having a girl) right now, but instead I've got nothing, no crying or cooing, just sitting here listening to my ceiling fan.
I've been doing better with my "meltdowns," but unfortunately one reared it's ugly head earlier this week. I received a free sample of Enfamil. I called them to demand that my name be taken off mailing lists. As soon as I hung up, I lost it. I was screaming and crying. It's amazing how one little thing can just set you off. I miss that child so much, the pain is still indescribable.
Of course now, there is no mention of what happened by anyone. It's not like there ever was but absolutely everything is back to normal with everyone. Everyone but me. I still hurt so bad, I just don't show it. Guess I finally got the memo that nobody wanted to hear about it.
Just so everyone knows...I'm not fine. The world is not fine because my child is not here with me.
I have not been to the past two Glory Baby meetings and I am so disappointed in myself. Work has been just a nightmare and I've been exhausted, but that's no excuse. I am also disappointed that it's been so long since I've posted. This is supposed to be my journal of feelings and what I'm going through. I'm going to start back posting.
I've been feeling kind of cut off from the world lately. I don't know what that means or what is going on. I guess I'm still focused on what should be going on right now. I should have a 3 month old little girl (I know in my heart I was having a girl) right now, but instead I've got nothing, no crying or cooing, just sitting here listening to my ceiling fan.
I've been doing better with my "meltdowns," but unfortunately one reared it's ugly head earlier this week. I received a free sample of Enfamil. I called them to demand that my name be taken off mailing lists. As soon as I hung up, I lost it. I was screaming and crying. It's amazing how one little thing can just set you off. I miss that child so much, the pain is still indescribable.
Of course now, there is no mention of what happened by anyone. It's not like there ever was but absolutely everything is back to normal with everyone. Everyone but me. I still hurt so bad, I just don't show it. Guess I finally got the memo that nobody wanted to hear about it.
Just so everyone knows...I'm not fine. The world is not fine because my child is not here with me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Long week
This has probably been one of the longest weeks ever and also perhaps made the 10 top for worst weeks ever. When I get sad and tired, I miss Gizmo so much. Things would be different now. Better.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Tuesday Meltdown
Seriously one of the most awful days ever at work. I'm having a mega meltdown right down. I feel like I work work work for nothing. It's so depressing. When will things go right?
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Way too many damn idiots!
WTF is this guy thinking? Seriously has totally screwed up my day. Read about the FREAKING IDIOT HERE!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
This week
Not very optimistic. It's not going to be good at all. I'm hoping to take Thursday and Friday off and maybe go to the beach or to Charlotte to see my friend. Long overdue me time needed. Work has been crazy and I need to refresh and regroup.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Great giveaway for a great cause Cookies for Kids Cancer
I've been entering a lot of giveaways lately. It's fun and someone has to win right. Well I thought this was an appropriate one to share on this blog. Maammamoiselle is giving away cookies which the proceeds help to kids cancer research! What a great cause!! It would be worth entering and who doesn't love cookies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)