Sunday, May 29, 2011


So I just talked to my friend who is due in about two months. I'm happy for her but the conversations are so draining. I could close my eyes and not wake up for days. It's a challenge to talk about what she is going through and what I didn't get. Thank goodness no work tomorrow. I am trying so hard not to cry right now. Why am I not chilling with my baby? Instead I am dreading June 18, a year already? How is this possible. God this sucks.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Well I can't say that I am sorry to see this day go. It has been one of the hardest days ever. I miss my baby so much it hurts. I cried myself to sleep last night and will probably do the same tonight. The pain is unbearable. I have done nothing but think about what should have been. It hurts so bad. I love you Gizmo.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby. This we know is true.

But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.

My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.

Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.

They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one

Friday, May 6, 2011

Some Mother's Don't Get A Happy Ending

This post was on Grieve Out Loud's Facebook Page.

If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose him or her to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"

The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look @ life differently.

This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.

In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.

The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."

....Erma Bombeck