Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve and 2010

It was a good day! My husband and I went to the zoo!! It was fantastic! It was so good to get out of the house and have such a nice time. We needed it desperately!

Well thank goodness 2010 is almost over. It's been such a horrible year. More elbow surgery and lost baby. Now if I can just make it to January 18. Still unsure of what I'm doing but I know I am taking the day off work.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

People

I found out some disturbing news today about a former coworker. It saddens me because I confided in this person and trusted her. Yet another example of how you can't trust anyone except yourself.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day after Christmas

Wow we have a lot of snow! I didn't venture out today but I am going out in it tomorrow. I am so thankful no work tomorrow and I may not go on Tuesday if it's still bad. Today was pretty good. Nice and relaxing.

Yay Snow!

It's so pretty!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas

Well today's plans changed. My husband stayed home with me due to the anticipated snowfall that North Carolina is going to get. I went to go check on the fish at work and then grabbed a couple of things from the store. Came back home, picked husband up and went to eat at a Chinese buffet! It was really good but I'm paying for it tonight.

I've done okay today. After we got back from eating, I took a really really long nap Almost all afternoon. I think it was a mix of stress and dreading the holidays and I was just completely exhausted. I had intended to do a lot of room organizing but since it looks like we will be snowed in a couple of days, I think I have plenty of time to do that.

Oh yeah, nobody called to check on me today. I had to call Grandma, Mom and Dad. David didn't even call. Just the way I thought it was going to be. Nobody cares. And nobody asked how I was doing. Wow this pretty typical and I shouldn't be surprised. Everybody is doing there own thing and has forgotten what happened to me. It absolutely breaks my heart that my family is treating me this way. I am seriously about done with my family. They have provided no support to me at all. All I hear is you need to get over it and move on. We want Julie back but that's not happening. I will never be the same person ever again. I am appreciative, however, that my mom gave money to St. Jude's, that meant so much. Guess what I just realized, nobody has come to see me since I lost my child. Am I surprised? NO! Nobody gives a flying crap that my child died. They are all concerned over how many damn Christmas gifts they can get, cause that's what Christmas is all about right? Well I for one am glad that Christmas is almost over. I bet nobody stopped for a moment today to remember their other grandchild, niece or nephew. Well I did, Gizmo's mom has thought about him or her all day long and I guess that's all that matters. I've come to learn that I am the only one who cares.

I thought it was appropriate to write a letter to my sweet angel on Christmas, so here goes:

Dearest Gizmo,

Today is Christmas. You could technically be born now. Wow wouldn't that have been great! I went in your room earlier to get a hanger out of the closet and just stood there for a second, wondering why this happened. Mommy will never understand, nor will I ever get over losing you. I see all the pictures of wonderful things that Santa left for other children and I am saddened that you have nothing. We are expecting snow and it would have been great for you to have seen it I think when the weather clears, I am going to buy you a gift and just keep doing it every year.

Mommy is so very sad today, but Daddy has been home with it so it's been easier. I miss you sweet baby and I hope you had a wonderful and beautiful Christmas in heaven. Give Papa Jesse, Papa Claude and Grandma Grace a big kiss from me.

I love you always and forever,

Your mom, Julie

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

My inlaws come up today and it was really nice. We ate lunch at Chilis and it was just so relaxed and stress free. I hated to see them leave.

Well the sadness has set in but I have a plan for tomorrow. My husband is going to Myrtle Beach and I am staying home. Here's the plan:

Organize recipe cabinet, organize pantry, go to convenience store to get some drinks and make sure we don't need anything else (it's going to snow), possible go eat sushi for lunch, finish listing stuff on ebay and organize room, nap, drink wine and watch some movies. Hopefully I can get all that done. Oh and love on my dogs, because it's my first Christmas Day with them!!

I know my family is probably upset that I am not going down east for Christmas but I am sorry, my child died and I just want to be by myself. I definitely don't intend to sit here and cry all day (although I am sure tears will be shed), but I am not in the mood to "celebrate" and be all happy and act like everything is fine. IT'S NOT FINE!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Almost here

Wow I haven't posted since Monday. Can not believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Looks like my plans will remain the same...staying home on Christmas. Especially since the potential is there for snowfall in our area. A white Christmas is possible...ugh great.

Oh yeah more great news...I twisted my ankle. Yep the one I broke last year. Great freaking great.

Guess what I'm not getting for Christmas....diapers, formula, pacifiers, blankets, cute outfits, toys, baby powder and oh last but not least, A BABY!! That's right no baby for me. He or she could technically be here already but nope, not for me. Yeah while everyone is opening gifts and carrying on with Christmas traditions, I will be sitting here with my dogs (thank goodness for them), staring at the room that would be the nursery. It is still a bedroom with green paint which should be blue?, a bed which should be a crib, my old dresser from when I was a kid which should be a changing table. No baby things in this house, nothing, nada, zilcho. And why is that? Oh yeah, that's right, I lost my child. So on that note, Merry Effing Christmas.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Good day but rough night

Today was good! But tonight was not. I had a bad crying spell. I miss my sweet pea. I wish this had not happened to me. Less than one month until my due date.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas at Mom's

It was really nice. Yeah it was sad because no baby things, but I still had a nice time. I'm still sick which made for an early bed night, well early for a Saturday.

Today I got a special email! My mom donated money to St. Jude's in memory of Gizmo! See this is what I am talking about. If people would acknowledge! Good job mama!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Long time no post

Blech I'm still freaking sick!! And tired, and achy and stuffy and coughy. Good news! Baby Simpson's name is finally Written in the Sand and I am so excited!! I love it!! More to come tomorrow. I'm tired.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ewwww

I'm sick. Probably got the crud from someone at work. I feel so bad. When I get stressed and worry, my immune system goes down the crapper. I hope it snows tomorrow so I don't have to work.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Yay

I am almost done with Christmas. One more small thing and I'm done! Yay! Now if I can just make it through the next two weeks. I'm so ready for it to be over.

I am so sad and tired of faking.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Christmas

I am so burnt out on Christmas shopping. I am over half way done but geez it stinks. I am in no mood to buy anything. Countdown to Christmas being over is on for sure!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Great Interviews

This video is an interview from The View with Bill and Giuliana Rancic and they are talking about their miscarriage.

This video is an interview with Lisa Ling formerly of The View talking about her recent loss and apparently was around the same time as mine.

It's great to hear others becoming more vocal about this subject, especially those that are in the "spotlight." It's an absolutely horrific thing to have to go through and I think people do need to talk about it. Acknowledgment is a big part of it. If society could just learn to acknowledge that this happens a lot and stop making it such a taboo subject. It just gets ignored and I think a large part is because there was not physical child with a miscarriage. I mean think there was but it wasn't born and that's the issue. It's just so sad that with all of the openness about gay issues, interracial relationships and many taboo subjects, miscarriage and baby loss in general is just not talked about. It literally is an underground group of women who feel pain and sorrow, but have no one to talk to. Sad very sad.

Great videos!

Really?!??!?

I heard some news today that I did not want to hear, because it didn't happen to me. Lord, please help me through this.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Today

I am going to a funeral tonight. My sweet great Aunt passed. It makes me very sad. I loved her a lot. She came all the way to Raleigh to my wedding. That was so sweet.

I'm having a hard time concentrating today, I guess cause of the funeral and knowing it's going to be a long night. Speaking of funerals, guess what my child died and got no service at all. Why didn't we have a memorial service? Why didn't people bring me food or come to see me? Why didn't I get bereavement days at work? Why is nobody going to remember my child at Christmas? Why didn't my dad come to the hospital when I had my D&C? Why didn't my brother come to the hospital? Why is January 18 going to the worst day of my life but to others it will be any other day?

I'm miserable. I want my child back. Everyday day sucks.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

why

I wish people acknowledged that my child was dead. Is it really that hard? Christmas will come and go and everyone will be doing the standard Christmas BS while I'm crying over my baby. That's right everyone, just do your thing, don't mind me and what I'm going through.

Whatever. Screw this.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Back in town

Yeah I am back in town and it stinks. I miss my charlotte friend. I had such a great time. I literally ran out of her house so I would not cry. I panicked on the way home about Christmas. Only a couple weeks away and I dread it.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ahhh chilling

So I'm in Charlotte just chilling out. I think my friend and I are going to the outlets tomorrow! I had fun babysiting her daughter. I wish I had my baby. But mine is dead. I couldn't carry my child so it died. But oh everyone else can get pregnant. WTF!! I wish I had more family support. Whatever.

Friday, December 3, 2010

News

So my best friend called me today and she is pregnant. I'm so happy for her yet so jealous. I've cried a lot today. Thank goodness I'm going out of town for the next 4 days!!! Wilmington tomorrow and Charlotte Sunday-Tuesday!! So super excited!!!

Not sure how I am going to handle her pregnancy. It's going to be trying.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Support Group

Unfortunately I have been battling some demons lately, but I hope to get the support group up and running the first of the year.