Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tuesday night

I'm tired. It was a long day. I'm ready for the weekend again. I received the book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination." Can't wait to start reading.

this morning

I don't wish I was dead but I wish I was with my dead child.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Nice real flipping nice

I like how my family doesn't want to talk to me. They run me off the phone and I get oh I'll call you later. WTF ever! Let's not talk to the dead baby's mom. Psssstttt....Julie lost her baby so let's just ignore that. Let's all have a happy time at Christmas and forget Julie's little baby died. Thanks family that's real awesome.

Today

on the road a lot today for work.

don't take this the wrong way, but I wish I was dead. i hate my life.

thank goodness back on meds.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Rough night

I was in the kitchen for 5 hours today, cooking and baking. I overdid it. I am exhausted. I bake and cook to keep my mind off the holidays and heartache, but now I'm sad because I'm tired.

I can't do this. I'm seriously about done. Everyone is getting excited about Christmas with their kids. I have nothing to be excited about. I'm hurting so much. I showed my mom the June 18 ultrasound picture and was fine, but on the way home from her house, I cried a lot. This is so painful. I'm not strong.

Letter to God:

Why God did you take my child from me? I'm so angry at you. Everyone says something was wrong with my baby, but I say bullshit. It's not true. You took him for no good reason. I would have been a great mom and you know it. I am so mad at you. I have been reading and trying to understand why you did this but I don't. I am not celebrating Christmas. I'm going somewhere with my little dog. I want nothing to do with Christmas and it's your fault. I'm not moving past this or getting over it anytime soon. I can't and I don't want too.

Julie

Friday, November 26, 2010

Music, baking and random.

There are a couple of things that have really helped me deal with this situation. Music!!


And BAKING!!! I've baked a lot in the last month or so.



Randomness...today was okay. No black friday shopping. I couldn't get out that early, plus not a lot of Christmas gifts to buy anyway this year. Nothing to celebrate.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Yay! It's almost over!

So glad Thanksgiving is headed out the door. We went to Myrtle and it was really nice. I was still extremely sad but it was a nice time. Come on 3 days off work! Hopefully my books will come in tomorrow! Yay more reading.

See ya Thanksgiving! It's not been that great so hit the door and good riddance!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Song post

This is by far one of my favorite songs ever and Jane Monheit is AMAZING!! I wish sometimes I was over the rainbow.


So I went to church tonight

It was really nice. I cried through most of it of course, but I'm really glad that I went. People got up and said what they were thankful for, but I didn't because well....I'm not that thankful. Some people were saying how bad things had happened but that good came out of it. I can't relate to that yet, but it was nice to hear that there may be hope out there...somewhere. I held my ultrasound picture the entire time.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is tomorrow. We will be heading to Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning. It makes for such a long day since we always do it in a day.

I hope there honestly is a reason that all this happened. Right now I feel like there is not. I miss my sweet little baby so much. I feel pretty sure I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, even though mine will suck.

Random

I am going to spruce up my blog tonight I think or at least over the holiday weekend.

Seriously?

Like today isn't bad enough...my coworker brought her baby up here. I hear it making sounds. I've seen the baby before, but I really hope she doesn't try to come over here. OMG, please leave. My heart is beating so fast and I can feel the anxiety attack coming on. I feel sick to my stomach. I shut my door and I can still hear them. This is torture.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Screw you Thanksgiving

Bad mood tonight. I am not thankful for anything. I wish my child wasn't dead. I'm sorry people but I have nothing to be thankful for!! Let's see f'up elbow, lost baby and D&C...oh yeah it's been an awesome year. When will it be over. Whatever I'm done. I quit life. It's not worth it.

Yeah

Is it time to go home? Postive note...delicious lunch..chicken pastry, with applesauce and cucumbers in vineger. Oh yeah!

Well it wouldn't be a complete week without my meltdown

Seriously, meltdown on the way to work this morning. Yet again, puffy eyes.

I laughed at my husband last night. I mean major laughing. He asked if I was drunk. If that's not a clear indication of how little I laugh then I don't know what is.

I feel guilty today for laughing so much which probably caused the meltdown.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Monday...getting close

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. I am dreading it like the plague. It will be nice to be off work, although I may end up there on Friday. It's getting busy again.

Today was okay. Busy at work. I was going to watch Toy Story 3 tonight but I am so tired. I didn't sleep well at all. Dreams of being shot do not make for a restful night's sleep.

I miss my little sweetie today. I wish they were still here. It's so hard to understand why this happened. I'm having such a hard time accepting it. Sometimes I wish it were me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving

No post for a few days, I was taking a break. I haven't been sleeping and am so tired. Today is day 2 of no Zoloft. I have got to get this script filled. I can already tell a difference. Yikes! Getting scary. I bit 3 nails in the quick and tore a huge chunk of skin off my finger yesterday. I'm regretting it because it burns and hurts. It's anxiety big time.

I spent last night with mom. It was nice! I'm such a good faker. Everybody thinks everything is fine but it's not. I fake so I can keep on moving on.

Ahhh Thanksgiving is coming up. I am not thankful at all. Is everyone surprised by that? I am thankful for my friends.

The weekend has been okay. Lots of sleeping. That's about all I do is sleep. It makes time go by faster which I like. I did some baking tonight which helps but then I get so tired and ill. I'm so ready to go to bed but I am trying to stay awake to watch the Walking Dead with Robert. I like that show and enjoy watching it with him. Maybe I relate because I feel like a zombie.

I love Amazon! I am about to order several books on miscarriage and baby loss. That's all I want to read about now. It's all I can relate too. We are supposed to go to Myrtle Beach Thursday, but I don't want too. I want to stay home with my dogs.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tired

I have been so tired lately that I thimk I am going to bed. Today is the dreaded day

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sunshine and Rain

Today I felt okay. I actually laughed at work a lot! It felt so good. I felt guilty afterwards, like I shouldn't have. I guess because I've been sad for so long that it's what I'm used to so when I have other feelings that are different from the norm then that's when the guilt sets in.

I sometimes wonder if my grief is normal. I think it is!! Will have meltdowns...YES!! Will I be okay some days....YES!! I'm tired of feeling like I can't be sad or cry. I don't enjoy my meltdowns but it's my way of mourning my loss. When I cry a lot it makes me feel like I am washing away all of the bad things.

As far as being normal again..well that's not going to happen. I will never ever be the same person. A lot of my family is not okay with that, but guess what I am. This loss has changed me forever plain and simple. If people want to pretend that this didn't happen to me, well I guess that's something I will have to deal with and something they will have to live with. To not acknowledge that I had a child is very painful to me. It hurts. Everyone just carries on with their normal life and that's fine. I don't criticize anyone for doing that. I mean I have to get up every morning and go to work so I can help pay the bills, it's a part of life. However on the other hand to think my life or hope that my life will be normal again is just absurd.

I have been advised by my doctor and family to seek grief counseling and I have considered it but IT'S NOT HAPPENING!! I don't want someone to tell me how to grieve or that this happened for a reason. I'm not ready to believe or listen to any of that, maybe one day I will be but not now.

Tomorrow is 11/18..it's been 5 months since I lost my child and 2 months until my due date and I still wonder why?



Grief is such a roller coaster because some days I feel like okay.



And some days I feel so sad that it hurts.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Wow lots of things have been going on since yesterday morning

I had a major meltdown last night... I MEAN MAJOR!!!!! Parents were calling each other...not good. Husband and I were having a heated discussion and I cried for about an hour and a half straight. I'm doing better today. My eyes are tired and I have pictures to upload for my elbow case. I gotta do it but I'd rather sleep.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. It's been a long time since I cried like that. I wish I could pinpoint what set me off, but I don't know. I was in a very scary place. I don't like it. I have increased my medication per my doctor which hopefully will work. I need a break I'm so tired. Am I crazy? I feel like people think I am. I thought I was last night.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday morning

Not really sure why I didn't take today off as planned. I have a doctor's appointment in about an hour for follow up on medicine which is going to make me upset. So why didn't I take today off? Geez I'm definitely not the brightest.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday, November 14

Today was pretty good actually! Yay finally! Slept late! It was nice. Sasha my little dog actually slept too which NEVER happens. Went to Ruby Tuesday's with my husband and it was really good. I got a free burger (which I probably will regret later but hopefully not) and brought home a blondie which is still in the kitchen. Came home took a nap, washed some clothes and then headed to mom's for dinner. It was so good! Actually had a nice time. I miss my mom, I need to see her more. We don't always agree on everything especially my recovery but she probably has been the most supportive. Now I'm home waiting for Walking Dead to come on. I wish it didn't come on so late, but it's a good show.

I hope it's a good week at work. I'm off to Charlotte in a couple of weeks for a seminar and to see my friend. I hope time goes by fast. I hope Christmas goes by fast. If anyone gets me anything I think I am going to take it back. I don't want anything.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today sucks!

Was lazy for a little bit, then showered and went shopping. Got a couple of cute things but overall today sucks. I thought it would be okay but I miss my child. I feel so old. 37. The dreaded age of unsafe pregnancy. Why did I think people would be a little nicer to me. Guess not.

Friday, November 12, 2010

TOO QUIET!

Wow work is quiet today. Everyone is either in a seminar or on vacation. Quiet is nice sometimes. I don't mind it this morning but this afternoon I am sure I will be ready to go home due to boredom.

Do you like quiet?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Really?

Is this for real? One more day of being 36. Actually 36 has sucked. Let's recap 36...elbow surgery, pregnant and miscarriage. Not so great.

Why am I not handling this better. I feel so empty. I want a baby. I miss mine. I feel sick. This sucks.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Damn you Wednesday

So today started off okay...but then it went downhill. I finally showed my husband my necklace. (****see below****) I get no response. He's seriously not talking to me now. WTF?!?!? I am upstairs again alone. I want to crawl under a rock. It sucks. I hate it. I can't do this anymore. I'm over it.

It's going to be a shitty birthday. I dread it.

I miss my little baby. Why is he or she gone? It hurts. It's painful.

I love the Selah song. I listen several times a day.

I am on day 10 of my period. I hate it. It reminds me that I don't have a kid. I think I am having stomach problems because of it. I am sick, very sick. My weight loss is remarkable. I am eating but everything I eat doesn't stay in long. I partially believe I have made myself sick. Part of it is in my mind. I've just kind of given up. I barely function through the day. My quality of life has decreased. It's sad that the world doesn't know what we go through.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Snatched!

That's my word for today. Things that were snatched from me:

My whole family (my parents are divorced)
My dreams of being a lawyer
The best job I ever had!
My child

It doesn't sound like a lot but it is. Family and career are the most important things to me. Why were these things taken from me? It's not fair.

Oh geez...only a couple more days til my birthday. Fuck! I dread it.

I did get my necklace yesterday!! It's awesome!! I love it. I find myself holding it.

Does anyone rely on the presence of your deceased child to help you make decisions? That's my new thing...I am constantly thinking of my child when I make a big decision.

I am so weak today. Seriously day eight of stomach issues. I have a drs. appt. Thursday but I don't want to go. It will not be good news. My weight loss is getting noticeable.

I'm so tired. I didn't sleep good. I miss my baby. It's a bad night. I don't want to be here.

Monday, November 8, 2010

No book review. :(

I didn't finish the book yet. I went to my mom's. I needed my mom last night. Very sad today. It's quiet at work way to quiet. I don't like it because it makes me think. It's cold today in North Carolina and I'm ready to go home. I dread Saturday. I hope this week goes by slow. Stupid ass birthday.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sneak Peek about tonight's post!

Feeling a little better today. I'm going to have new addition to my blog! A book review!! Hopefully tonight I will be reviewing "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. More to come.....



Saturday, November 6, 2010

Not feeling so well

Not really sure what's going on with me. I haven't felt good all day. Day 6 of stomach issues. I had to buy some orange juice at the store to trip to get some vitamins and nutrients. I look like Casper. If I am not better tomorrow, I am going to get my husband to take me to urgent care. I feel so weak and lethargic. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not surprised that I am sick. I've been so stressed lately and when that happens then my immune system gets all screwy.

I was hoping to get my necklace today but no such luck. It would have made me feel better. I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow. I wanted to bake (it's therapy for me), but I didn't get any supplies at the store because I didn't know how I would feel.

I'm missing my baby tonight really bad. Another night of not understanding why this happened. I sometimes feel like a hermit because I stay in my room so much. I just don't want to get out and see any children or babies.

I was going to our family reunion tomorrow but I'm not sure I could even drive there if I felt like it. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I haven't been since my grandma and papa passed away. It's just too painful. I have a hard time dealing with death. When I went to my grandma's this past weekend, I went in my papa's room. I may have only been in there not even a handful of times since he passed in 2008. Something drew me to his room this past trip. Maybe it was my angel baby. Maybe it was my papa telling me that his great grandchild was doing fine. I really just wanted to sit in there and cry. I think I am going to buy a stuffed animal to put in there. I'm definitely going to talk to my grandma first about it.

I hate been sick. It makes me sad. I wish I could lock myself in my room forever.

Friday, November 5, 2010

ooops forgot to post this!


I ordered this as a birthday present to myself. I hope I get it before next Saturday! Thanks to a member of Faces of Loss whose husband had gotten this for her. I had been wanting a piece of jewelry but just hadn't found that perfect piece for me and this is beautiful. I am also thinking of getting a birthstone ring for January. Hurry mail!!

Today

It was so nice not to have to go to work today! I mailed some ebay things that I sold and watched some scary movies. Not sure why I felt the need to watch scary movies, maybe because my life scares me? I seriously have never ever watched any by myself. I watch them with my husband but no way alone.

I haven't been feeling well today...TMI coming. I started depo back in September and had no period until this past Sunday when I started spotting (it was a hard decision for me to get back on birth control and because of recent issues, I'm done). I have been on my period since Monday. Heavy flow and stomach problems. Now, I am a 4 day period girl. Seriously I start day 1 with little to nothing, day two is heavy, day three is meh and day four is practically over. To have 5 days of heavy bleeding is well causing me concern to say the least. I have also passed two big clumps of tissue which really bother me because this has NEVER happened. I am monitoring it over the weekend and kind of taking it easy because I am also having bad cramps when I get up and move around. If this period isn't over by Monday I am calling my gyno. I am so sick of doctors. I'm so weak feeling. I honestly have crapped out everything I have eaten this week. Seriously lost about 5 pounds, I can tell in my face. I don't look good.

One week from tomorrow and I will be 37, wow what a year. Changed jobs, more elbow surgery, pregnant, miscarriage, D&C, and major emotional stress. I'm kind of over this year. Actually, I was kind over last year as well. I pray that year 37 will be awesome, but honestly I am not optimistic at all. I feel like I have been slapped in the face over and over. And the gray hairs...oh my gosh..really sore subject.

I'm bored tonight. It's 5:30 and I'm kind of ready to go to bed. If I don't figure out something to do, it's going to be a night of crying. But hey, what's new on that end.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It was a good day!

Today was actually pretty good! Got a lot done at work and even got a new client (I work in foreclosures for a large law firm)!! I decided to take tomorrow off and have a Julie day. Unfortunately the majority of my days off this year has been due to surgeries, so I definitely enjoy my free time.

My husband didn't have his online class tonight so we hung out downstairs and watched some tv. That's why my post is so late.

I saw that my story was posted on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!! I hope it helps others! What a great site that is.

Well I'm off to do some research and hit the sack!

Nite blog world.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Night

Another sad night. Where should I go for Christmas? The beach, mountains, Florida? There is no way I am sitting here. Everyone will be celebrating but I'm not sure they will not remember my child.

Just because my child died doesn't mean they don't have a grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. How is it that people can say well my mom, dad, or so and so passed away but we forget that child who passed. They just remember it as Julie had a miscarriage.

Medicine: I upped my Zoloft. I started at 50 mg, then two weeks after 100, tonight I took 150. It's not working on 100.

I wish my child was here and I wasn't. I hate my life. I'm not happy. God I miss my child. Here come the tears. Dammitt.

WHY?!??!?!

I can't concentrate at work. Why does nobody care that my child is gone? How easy people forget!! It seriously is like it never happened. I'm so ready to go home. I love home but then I hate going upstairs to no nursery. This sucks. I love my family but they kind of stink right now. Nothing ever gets mentioned about their dead grandbaby. Nobody gives a shit about how I am doing. Real nice.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tears

I cry a lot! I'm sitting here now just sobbing. I can barely talk. I hate to go downstairs because my husband is going to flip out over me crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so bad today. I keep thinking about my little baby. Great, my eyes are going to be so swollen tomorrow. I need a break. I get in panic mode and I feel like I have to get out. I can't stand this. I can't deal with my birthday next week or the holidays. I hate my stomach. It should be big now. I hit myself sometimes because I get mad. I sometimes want to stab my stomach with a knife. It's very scary. I getting frightened by those thoughts. Why did my baby die? Why are all these other people having babies and I am not??? It's crap!! I am miserable. I'm alone. Nobody cares and nobody calls to check on me. They are so involved in their own lives and other grandkids. Excuse me....you have another one in heaven. I hope to give all the grandparents names in the sand framed pictures for Christmas. Seriously that's all they are getting. I hate fucking Christmas. Your grandchild is dead, Merry Christmas.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Wow November 1 already!


Life goes by so quickly. I like it sometimes but sometimes I don't. I wish I could go back in time. Anyone else ever wish this? I would change so many things. I wonder what my baby is doing in heaven? Probably fishing with my grandparents.