Wow it's been way too long since I've posted and October 15 again already?

It seriously has been way too long since I've posted. Not acceptable. Blogging is therapy for me and I have let it fall by the wayside.

Anyway, I can't believe it's almost time for the October 15 ceremony again. Wow a year has passed already. I still haven't ordered the names in the sand picture but I'm going to within the next couple of days! Top priority. I hope that we have the same style ceremony as last year. I have found no information on it yet and I think I'm going to have to call. I hope everyone will make an effort to attend an event or at least light a candle. We are still moms even though are children are not here.

Wow I can't believe it's almost October 15 again and what's up with me?

I really hope that they have the service at Journey Church again. It was great last year.

It's been a rough couple of months. My grandmother passed away and I lost my job again. I'm stressed to the max but what's new. I've been trying to spend a lot of time down east at my grandma's house because I feel so close to her there and actually close to Gizmo as well. I'm going to try to start posting again. It helped. Gizmo would have been 7 months old now and it's so hard to believe.

Almost a year

Well the dreaded week is finally here. June 18 is only a few days away and luckily without fail, I will be at the beach with my dear friend and coworker. I'm actually thinking of taking off a day this week to go visit my grandmother. I need to be without stress this week otherwise, I will loose it.

Friends

So I just talked to my friend who is due in about two months. I'm happy for her but the conversations are so draining. I could close my eyes and not wake up for days. It's a challenge to talk about what she is going through and what I didn't get. Thank goodness no work tomorrow. I am trying so hard not to cry right now. Why am I not chilling with my baby? Instead I am dreading June 18, a year already? How is this possible. God this sucks.

Mother's Day

Well I can't say that I am sorry to see this day go. It has been one of the hardest days ever. I miss my baby so much it hurts. I cried myself to sleep last night and will probably do the same tonight. The pain is unbearable. I have done nothing but think about what should have been. It hurts so bad. I love you Gizmo.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby. This we know is true.

But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.

I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.

My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lesson very quickly.

My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.

Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother—

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.

They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one

Some Mother's Don't Get A Happy Ending

This post was on Grieve Out Loud's Facebook Page.

If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose him or her to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"

The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look @ life differently.

This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.

In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.

The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."

....Erma Bombeck

Sadness

It's strange now how I can just be overcome with sadness. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm all to pieces. I miss my little baby so much. Last year this time I was pregnant and now I have nothing. And next Sunday is mother's day. Great just great.

A Mother's Day poem I found.

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Happy Easter Gizmo

Tomorrow is Easter. Holidays are so tough without you. I miss you more than anything in this world. You should have your first Easter basket tomorrow, but you won't. I'm very sad and crying because I want you here with me. I want to stay home so bad.

I love you sweet baby.

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted.

I'm definitely still around. Another hard date is coming up, April 25 will be the anniversary of baby Gizmo's conception. And seriously, if we could just skip over June that would be great. I honestly think that is going to be harder than January 18 was (due date).

I have not been to the past two Glory Baby meetings and I am so disappointed in myself. Work has been just a nightmare and I've been exhausted, but that's no excuse. I am also disappointed that it's been so long since I've posted. This is supposed to be my journal of feelings and what I'm going through. I'm going to start back posting.

I've been feeling kind of cut off from the world lately. I don't know what that means or what is going on. I guess I'm still focused on what should be going on right now. I should have a 3 month old little girl (I know in my heart I was having a girl) right now, but instead I've got nothing, no crying or cooing, just sitting here listening to my ceiling fan.

I've been doing better with my "meltdowns," but unfortunately one reared it's ugly head earlier this week. I received a free sample of Enfamil. I called them to demand that my name be taken off mailing lists. As soon as I hung up, I lost it. I was screaming and crying. It's amazing how one little thing can just set you off. I miss that child so much, the pain is still indescribable.

Of course now, there is no mention of what happened by anyone. It's not like there ever was but absolutely everything is back to normal with everyone. Everyone but me. I still hurt so bad, I just don't show it. Guess I finally got the memo that nobody wanted to hear about it.

Just so everyone knows...I'm not fine. The world is not fine because my child is not here with me.

Long week

This has probably been one of the longest weeks ever and also perhaps made the 10 top for worst weeks ever. When I get sad and tired, I miss Gizmo so much. Things would be different now. Better.

Tuesday Meltdown

Seriously one of the most awful days ever at work. I'm having a mega meltdown right down. I feel like I work work work for nothing. It's so depressing. When will things go right?

Way too many damn idiots!

WTF is this guy thinking? Seriously has totally screwed up my day. Read about the FREAKING IDIOT HERE!

This week

Not very optimistic. It's not going to be good at all. I'm hoping to take Thursday and Friday off and maybe go to the beach or to Charlotte to see my friend. Long overdue me time needed. Work has been crazy and I need to refresh and regroup.

Great giveaway for a great cause Cookies for Kids Cancer

I've been entering a lot of giveaways lately. It's fun and someone has to win right. Well I thought this was an appropriate one to share on this blog. Maammamoiselle is giving away cookies which the proceeds help to kids cancer research! What a great cause!! It would be worth entering and who doesn't love cookies.

I love entering giveaways!!

Whimsy by Victoria is giving away a Shabby Apple Dress!!

Yay!!

Happy Valentine's Day

Missing my sweet one tonight. Time for a letter.

Dear Gizmo:

Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you so much. I wish you were here with me. I made a good dinner tonight, steak, potatoes, corn and rolls. Daddy liked it. I'm sad today. It's lonely without you here. I feel very empty. It breaks my heart to not have you here with me. I wonder what we would be doing now. I love you and will never love anyone as much as I do you. You are my child, my sweet little baby. I love you more than life.

This weekend

This weekend has been the best I have had in a while. I feel guilty. I had the best time last night with my mom that I have had in a long time. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months! My little gizmo would have been almost a month old or older!

Streak broken

It's been awhile since I did an "angry" post, well I am breaking that streak. I am so mad at the world tonight. I had a horrible day at work, which I won't get into, and then my husband did not get a job that he really wanted in another state. We are both so disappointed. I was actually pretty confident he would get it. Ahhh so yet another 2011 slap in the face. The trend continues. Am I having a pity party...absolutely! I am angry with the world..yes I know people are in worse shape but we can not seem to catch a break. Life has been so cruel and unfair to us recently and I'm sick to death of it. I'm going into work pretty early tomorrow and then I may take Thursday and Friday off. I need a break big time. I am to the point that I can not handle anything else. I consider myself to be a pretty strong person but there I can't handle this anymore and for those that say I can...well they can only see what's going on from the outside so they have no flipping idea what I am going through inside. Seriously I'm done.

Yay

I made it through today! I cried after I left but it was a really nice visit.

This week

I miss Gizmo really bad tonight. I wonder why it's worse sometimes? I guess I just think of what I should be doing right now and what I'm not doing. It really stinks. I wish things were a lot different. Sometimes I just want to sit in my room and just be sad. I often feel like it's wrong for me to be sad or upset.

I'm ready for my Glory Babies meeting. Monday night can not come fast enough. Liz who is the leader of the Cary group is so nice. I had to call her Wednesday because I had a really bad meltdown.

Please really need to stop telling me to move on. I'm tired of it. I'm not moving on. I think about MY child every second of everyday. Healthy or not that's what I do. It's just me. I can't help how I am or how I feel.

Tomorrow will be a very tough day for me. I'm anxious. I think I am going to take my medicine early tomorrow. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with it. It will probably be the biggest challenge I've had to face. I hope I don't chicken out. I am having really bad anxiety about it. Great now I'm crying. I do not think I can do it. I have a lump in my throat and my stomach is churning.

Giveaways!

I'm kind of addicted to giveaways! They make me :)

Here is a link to some I've recently entered (post will be updated)

Long Week

It has been a long rough week. Something has got to change soon, seriously.

I hate being home by myself. Unfortunately and fortunately my husband is at work trying to get a new job.

Oh and our ceiling leaked last night so now we have a hole and we have to get a new washer. Really 2011, really? On a positive note, I'm cranking up my ebay selling again. I need new clothes for spring/summer and I don't have a lot of $ to spend.

Trust, Faith and True Colors

I normally don't post during the day but we just had an incident at work. A coworker and I just got in trouble. We both work hard and try to make sure that what goes out of this office is top notch (granted we all make mistakes). I guess that's why we work so well together. Anyway, apparently correcting someone when you know they are wrong is considering talking back. Wow!

I was taught to do the best job I can do and be proud of my work and respect others in doing so. How is it that we can be disrepected and nothing is done, yet we correct others who are wrong in order to make sure we continue to provide correct and accurate information to our clients, but that's considered being disrespectul. I'm confused.

My faith and trust in people is really diminishing. You think people have your back but sometimes those are the ones who don't. Really sad and upsetting day and it's only 11:00 a.m.

Love Michael

Keep on loving what is true and the world will come to you, you can find it in yourself

....Michael Buble (Hollywood lyrics)

No words

I actually have no words today. I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Lonely

People think they know me, but they don`t. Not really. Actually, I am one of the loneliest people on this earth. I cry sometimes, because it hurts. It does. To be honest, I guess you could say that it hurts to be me.

--Michael Jackson

Sadness

I'm so very sad today. I'm very overwhelmed at work and so preoccupied with missing the baby. Plus I think I'm getting sick again. I feel so alone. I am alone.

Unreal

I am supposed to be a mom now, but I'm not. Instead I am sitting in my room alone. There are a few folks who actually remembered what today is...I kind of had an inside bet as to who would call, etc. and here are the results:

Email:
David

Text and Phone:
Jess

In person:
Everyone from work..well the girls at least (especially "ninja")

Phone:
Grandma

That about sums it up. Seriously that's all. I'm a little shocked but not surprised.

My balloon release (by myself) was really nice. I'm going to post pictures tomorrow. I emailed two adoption agencies yesterday, one contacted me today (thanks Aunt Debbie). I've not made a decision just want information.

Today is almost over. Just as I anticipated, just another day for most other than those I mentioned. Anna Grace Simpson (yeap that's the girls name I decided on) or Robert Franklin Simpson V (there's the boy name) are extremely missed.

Tomorrow is the day and I'm not sure I will post.

Baby Simpson
Conceived through love April 25, 2010
Received angel wings June 18, 2010

Mommy misses you so very much!


Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

So sad

Wow, I literally should have my hospital bag packed right now. I'm so glad we are closed tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a "do whatever Julie wants to day." I think I am going to see that movie Rabbit Hole and going to visit my work family from my previous job. So weird that's out now so close to my due date. Then I'm going to party city or somewhere to order my balloons. Still not sure where I am going to release them. I don't have a lot of favorite places around here. Maybe I will go to the park down the street. I'd love to do it at the beach but I'm a little too far to drive on Tuesday afternoon. Time flies so fast. I can't believe it's already here. I feel like I should do more than just a balloon release but I'm not sure what. I miss my kid so much. I can't hardly stand it. I should be getting ready to have a baby, but I'm not and it makes me so very sad.

January 14

My heart is heavy today. My due date is 4 days away.

Ice Day

Well today work was closed! Yay! I still feel yucky so it was nice to stay home without having to take PTO.

Sweet Poem

Daddy please don't look so sad,

Momma please don't cry,

Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and

He sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God,

Don't think He is unkind.

Don't think He sent me to you,

And then He changed His mind.

You see, I am a Special Child,

And I am needed up above,

I'm the special gift you gave Him,

The product of your love.

I'll always be there with you,

And watch the sky at night

Find the brightest star that's gleaming,

That's my halo's brilliant light

You'll see me in the morning frost,

That mists your windowpane.

That's me, in the summer showers,

I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze,

From a gentle wind that blows,

That's me, I'll be there,

Planting a kiss on your nose.

When you see a child playing,

And your heart feels a little tug,

That's me, I'll be there,

giving your heart a hug.

So, daddy, please don't look so sad,

Mommy don't you cry.

I'm in the arms of Jesus,

and He sings me lullabies.

Tears

I am sitting in my room in the dark just crying. This stinks. I could fill multiple buckets with my tears.

Tick Tock

Wow less than two weeks before due date. I left work early today in an effort to take better care of myself. I feel that work is getting ready to get really busy. I hate taking PTO right at the new year but there are so many days I have gone to work sick. Luckily nobody at work is upset. They all know what is approaching (I'm vocal) and so they understand. It was rough today. I've got to make some changes in my life, but the one person that I thought would change everything is gone. I miss that child so much it hurts. It's hard to believe that in less than two weeks I would be a mom, oh wait I still am. I have never felt any greater pain than this. I never understood how women said they bonded immediately when they found out they were pregnant, but now I do. I have so much love to give a child, I would have given that child an amazing life.

Worn Down

That's what I am today. I stayed home due to being sick. I've been sick twice in the last 3 weeks. Not good. I need to start taking better care of myself.