Monday, October 3, 2011
Anyway, I can't believe it's almost time for the October 15 ceremony again. Wow a year has passed already. I still haven't ordered the names in the sand picture but I'm going to within the next couple of days! Top priority. I hope that we have the same style ceremony as last year. I have found no information on it yet and I think I'm going to have to call. I hope everyone will make an effort to attend an event or at least light a candle. We are still moms even though are children are not here.
Friday, August 26, 2011
It's been a rough couple of months. My grandmother passed away and I lost my job again. I'm stressed to the max but what's new. I've been trying to spend a lot of time down east at my grandma's house because I feel so close to her there and actually close to Gizmo as well. I'm going to try to start posting again. It helped. Gizmo would have been 7 months old now and it's so hard to believe.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby. This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother—
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one
Friday, May 6, 2011
If you are looking for an answer this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child, and then to lose him or her to miscarriage, stillbirth, accident, violence, disease or drugs.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it is a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month...." "If I had only......"
The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and despair are tempered by time, we look @ life differently.
This may seems like a strange Mother's day column, on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no other mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.
In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with them to do it.
The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. LIFE is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next."
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I love you sweet baby.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I have not been to the past two Glory Baby meetings and I am so disappointed in myself. Work has been just a nightmare and I've been exhausted, but that's no excuse. I am also disappointed that it's been so long since I've posted. This is supposed to be my journal of feelings and what I'm going through. I'm going to start back posting.
I've been feeling kind of cut off from the world lately. I don't know what that means or what is going on. I guess I'm still focused on what should be going on right now. I should have a 3 month old little girl (I know in my heart I was having a girl) right now, but instead I've got nothing, no crying or cooing, just sitting here listening to my ceiling fan.
I've been doing better with my "meltdowns," but unfortunately one reared it's ugly head earlier this week. I received a free sample of Enfamil. I called them to demand that my name be taken off mailing lists. As soon as I hung up, I lost it. I was screaming and crying. It's amazing how one little thing can just set you off. I miss that child so much, the pain is still indescribable.
Of course now, there is no mention of what happened by anyone. It's not like there ever was but absolutely everything is back to normal with everyone. Everyone but me. I still hurt so bad, I just don't show it. Guess I finally got the memo that nobody wanted to hear about it.
Just so everyone knows...I'm not fine. The world is not fine because my child is not here with me.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Happy Valentine's Day. I miss you so much. I wish you were here with me. I made a good dinner tonight, steak, potatoes, corn and rolls. Daddy liked it. I'm sad today. It's lonely without you here. I feel very empty. It breaks my heart to not have you here with me. I wonder what we would be doing now. I love you and will never love anyone as much as I do you. You are my child, my sweet little baby. I love you more than life.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
I'm ready for my Glory Babies meeting. Monday night can not come fast enough. Liz who is the leader of the Cary group is so nice. I had to call her Wednesday because I had a really bad meltdown.
Please really need to stop telling me to move on. I'm tired of it. I'm not moving on. I think about MY child every second of everyday. Healthy or not that's what I do. It's just me. I can't help how I am or how I feel.
Tomorrow will be a very tough day for me. I'm anxious. I think I am going to take my medicine early tomorrow. I'm not sure how I am going to deal with it. It will probably be the biggest challenge I've had to face. I hope I don't chicken out. I am having really bad anxiety about it. Great now I'm crying. I do not think I can do it. I have a lump in my throat and my stomach is churning.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
I hate being home by myself. Unfortunately and fortunately my husband is at work trying to get a new job.
Oh and our ceiling leaked last night so now we have a hole and we have to get a new washer. Really 2011, really? On a positive note, I'm cranking up my ebay selling again. I need new clothes for spring/summer and I don't have a lot of $ to spend.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I was taught to do the best job I can do and be proud of my work and respect others in doing so. How is it that we can be disrepected and nothing is done, yet we correct others who are wrong in order to make sure we continue to provide correct and accurate information to our clients, but that's considered being disrespectul. I'm confused.
My faith and trust in people is really diminishing. You think people have your back but sometimes those are the ones who don't. Really sad and upsetting day and it's only 11:00 a.m.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Text and Phone:
Everyone from work..well the girls at least (especially "ninja")
That about sums it up. Seriously that's all. I'm a little shocked but not surprised.
My balloon release (by myself) was really nice. I'm going to post pictures tomorrow. I emailed two adoption agencies yesterday, one contacted me today (thanks Aunt Debbie). I've not made a decision just want information.
Today is almost over. Just as I anticipated, just another day for most other than those I mentioned. Anna Grace Simpson (yeap that's the girls name I decided on) or Robert Franklin Simpson V (there's the boy name) are extremely missed.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Conceived through love April 25, 2010
Received angel wings June 18, 2010
Mommy misses you so very much!
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Daddy please don't look so sad,
Momma please don't cry,
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and
He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a Special Child,
And I am needed up above,
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light
You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your windowpane.
That's me, in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there,
Planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there,
giving your heart a hug.
So, daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mommy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus,
and He sings me lullabies.