Sunday, October 31, 2010

People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on

Halloween

Man, it was rough tonight. I did pretty good. We were busy with little ones so I was up a lot giving out candy. Now that I'm upstairs, I am on the verge of a panic attack. I've taken my medicine and hopefully I will start relaxing.

To see all the kids pictures on facebook is really really hard. It makes me so very sad. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I want to stay in bed and cry.

Everything is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. My baby is supposed to be due in 2 and a half months. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to make it through this. Why is it so hard?

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I Will Carry You*

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you


*Song by Selah
http://selahonline.com/

Friday, October 29, 2010

Tonight

Yeah it's a sad one. I bought the book, I will Carry You! Can't wait to start reading it. Not a lot to say. Although, someone did ask me if I had children and I said yes one in heaven. :)

And Music for today:

Okay so it's Friday. (Lunchtime post)

It's way too quiet at work right now. I hate quiet sometimes because it makes me think and get sad. It also makes the day go by slow.

So Sunday is Halloween. Yet another holiday if that's what it's called to dread every year. I think wine will be involved. I am looking forward to seeing all the cuties dressed up. I'm going to try not to think about how I will never to get dress up my baby.

So lately, everything has been revolving around well "I'm never going to get to do this or that." I seriously have got to stop it because it's driving me mad.

I'm so glad this week is over! My work really drains me. Always drama or issues and it gets old after while. I think it's going to be a long afternoon. I'm hoping I can leave a tad early today. At least my neck feels a little better.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Thursday!


What a long day! My neck hurts so bad. I'm on muscle relaxant which is nice because it makes me drowsy. I'm so sleepy. Not much to post tonight.

i love you baby simpson.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Music for today!

Muscle Strain

Had to make an emergency trip to the neurologist. Bad muscle strain. Got a medicine patch and muscle relexant. Of course there was a baby in there, why wouldn't there be? Constant torture. Two more days of work!! I'm ready for the weekend.

My neck hurts. I miss my sweet baby today!!

EMOTIONS: Sad cause my neck hurts. Actually that's all today.

NEGATIVE: My freaking neck. It hurts so bad!! Annoyed at work. Really??

POSITIVE: Getting close to the weekend. Laughed a lot today. :) Glad to be in my bed. I found clothes I didn't know I had in the dry cleaning hamper. Yikes! and Yay!

Night Sweats?

So I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, which included night sweats and horrible baby dreams. The remaining other hours consisted of more night sweats and insomnia. Plus something is wrong with my neck and shoulder. I think I pulled something. Is it time to go home yet?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stop saying that!!! Julie's Top Ten!

I have heard so much much crap recently. I'm so done. Top things Julie has heard about her miscarriage:

1. You need to move forward

2. I don't get it

3. Something was wrong with your baby and you need to accept it

4. I'm tired of seeing you cry

5. You are crazy and sick

6. Don't talk to your family anymore, because they don't understand

7. Things happen for a reason

8. Stop reading sob stories and message boards and volunteer at a hospital or with a civic group.

9. Your baby is in a better place.

10. Be happy again

Seriously people?!?!? Number 6 is the worst for me!! My family is supposed to listen to me, but they have no freaking clue. Why does my family continue to hurt my feelings?

I have seriously got to get this medicine adjusted!! It's not f***king working!!!

On a positive notice, I want to give a shout out to Tiffany at http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/ I requested my baby's name on the sidewalk.

Why is there not a nursery in my house? I really don't want to be here anymore. Isn't this just a dream?

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: I hate that I couldn't carry my child. Life isn't worth living. Confused, extremely depressed. Tired of faking.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS: Got some cool nailpolish. Starbucks..mmmmm. Almost done with the week!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gross Weather

To start off, sorry about the Jesus comment, that was rude.

It's been a yuck day. My parents still don't get it. I'm really giving up on them. I told my mom that I am not talking about the baby anymore. Today has been really sad. I'm not sure why, maybe it has been the weather, or maybe it's because in less than 3 weeks i will be 37. I feel really down in the dumps. I wish I was decorating the nursery or folding baby clothes. It's getting about time for another Julie vacation, maybe I'll go to the beach, that always makes me feel better.

I'm really questioning why this happened? When am I going to feel better? Why does it hurt so bad? It's been 4 months. I feel gross, like I don't want to be in this body anymore. Nobody gets me. I feel so alone. Why is everyone avoiding the subject? Nobody even mentions it. I have a CHILD!! My mom an Id dad have a GRANDCHILD! My brother has a NIECE or NEPHEW!! Geez people, your wife, daughter, sister is hurting right now. Get a freaking clue. I'm putting on a good front.

Stupid gross weather.

EMOTIONS: Pissed!!!! Angry at the world!!! Sad!!

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY: Work stunk, computers were down (really?, excuse me IT department but I contribute to your salary!!), my fever blister hurts like a B****! Wonder why I got one of those???? Hmmmm??

POSITIVE THINGS TODAY: Talked to my brother, had some sushi for lunch (glad I like that), got a relaxing bath. Drinking some delicious wine.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

October 24, 2010

Well today was better than I thought it was going to be. Didn't do a whole lot, just relaxed and started working on my spreadsheet with doctors and hospitals. Whew it's going to take a while. I go back to the doctor Friday for her to evaluate me since I've been taking my medicine. I'm going to talk to her about the support group. I did locate another support group called parentshare today. I still don't think one is enough. I reposted again on craigslist today. I'm going to try to at least a couple times a week.

I emailed my mom the link for namesinthesand. Definitely doing this. The requests are closed now but I hope I can get it done before January 18. Hopefully Robert and I are going to Disneyworld that weekend, but I still want to have some sort of get together with family and friends.

I woke up early this morning thinking about how I do have a child. A lot of people who lost babies say I did, well you still do. From now on when someone asks me if I have children, I am going to say yes, because I do.

Sunday nights suck ass. I get so depressed. It's another week closer to my due date and another day without my child. Did I mention I dread Christmas? Oh yeah I did. Woo hoo, Jesus was born but my child isn't going to be. I really want a baby. I'm having internal conflict about that. I hate that I started back on birth control..why did I do that?

Another letter to my baby:

Dear Baby:

Why did you leave me? Did you think I was going to be a bad mom? This is so hard. I'm really mad at God today. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm so miserable. I wish you were kicking inside me. WHY WHY WHY aren't you here?

I love you,

mom


EMOTIONS: PISSED OFF, TIRED, DREADING THE WEEK, MAD

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY: I didn't win on my scratch off, I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to, dreading tomorrow, my arm hurts, I hate that there is no nursery.

POSITIVE THINGS: Dinner was good, I started on my spreadsheet, I love my pets.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

October 23, 2010

Today was a little rough and right now I am in the middle of big time pity party. I went to a local shopping event with my mom. I knew there would be tons of baby things there. It was not all baby things, there was jewelry, clothing, art, kitchen gadgets, etc. I had mentally prepared myself for this, but it was different story when I saw the first baby outfit. I didn't cry but I could feel a panic attack coming on. I thought, Julie you can not breakdown in front of all these people. Luckily I got it together and it ended up being a nice time.

I seriously have become obsessed with reading baby loss blogs. I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. Sometimes I can read them without getting upset but tonight I seriously have been reading for hours (and updating mine of course). I've taken my medicine but I am not really feeling relaxed. Feeling very anxious and alone. It's too quiet in my house. I don't like it. My dog is snoring and I probably need to get my snoring on as well but I feel like it's going to be a restless night. I think as January gets closer, it's going to get harder and not easier. Maybe that's what is bothering me today, all the Christmas decorations at the shopping thingie. My mom said I should put up a tree but I can't do it. I actually am planning to stay home this Christmas. I want to curl up with a good book or movie and some good wine. Oh, maybe I'll buy some really comfy pjs. Yes, Christmas will be a sulkfest and I don't really care. I should be optimistic about having a nice Sunday tomorrow but I am not. I will probably just stay in pjs all day and clean. My house is a nightmare.

EMOTIONS: Sad, angry, anxious and panicky.

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY; Baby clothes and tons of pregnant women. I would be happy if I never saw a baby or pregnant lady ever again. Ugh. I'm sick of it.

POSITIVE THINGS TODAY: Spending time with my mom and playing with her dog. Getting some early birthday presents. Spicy chicken sandwich from Chic-Fil-A. Email saying my clothes from Lands End Canvas shipped.

*****BLOG UPDATES TODAY: Added some new blogs that I am following, big update on Resource Page, and added Baby Simpson to memory wall.*****

Story Continued

After the D&C, I went to spend a couple days with my mom. After a couple I went back to work. I had to get my mind off what had happened. When I left work the week before, I was pregnant and now I was not. It's very hard to wrap your head around that.

Fast forward to now. It's been 4 months since I lost my baby. Time flies by. I have bad days and good days. I get angry, mad and sad. I still don't understand why this happened to me. Everyone says something was wrong with the baby, or things happen for a reason. It's all crap!!!! My baby died plan and simple. It's going to take me a long time to get over this. Each day is a challenge just to keep it together.

This is my story in a nutshell. I hope to expand on some of my feelings during these past few months and the days surrounding my loss and surgery.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Story

A little background:

Robert and I were married on March 8, 2003. We had talked about kids..I wanted 2 he wanted 1. I agreed. The years went by...2004, 2005, 2006...no kids. Vacations and trips oh yes!! We decided no kids!! We were having too much fun together! House in a nice neighborhood, two dogs and a cat. We were fine. 2007, 2008 were great!!!

2009: Between the beginning of March and the middle of May I had broken my foot, lost my job, broken my elbow and had surgery. It was not good. I fell into deep depression. I felt worthless and alone. July 2009, I got a job at a law firm..not what I wanted but at least I had a backup. In August 2009, husband lost his job. Unemployment again?!?!? My job at the law firm lasted until almost the end of December. I got another job with a bigger and better law firm in Raleigh! Yay closer to home and doing something I was good at!! January 2010, back to ortho for follow up....not good. Not good equals more surgery! February 18 2010 back for more surgery to remove excess bone, remove screws and ligament surgery. Three more months of PT.

Fast forward to April 2010....Las Vegas. I wasn't supposed to go, but I had received comps which were non transferable. It was cheaper for me to go with Mr. vs. him paying so much for room. April 25, 2010...he should have gone out with his friends, instead the conception of Baby Simpson occurred.

Pregnancy: I knew I was pregnant. I felt different within a couple of days. I took a test super early...negative. Next week right before period...another test...negative. Following week, period due...no period. Two days late...took another test....POSITIVE! What?!?!?!??! We didn't want kids!! I was freaking out!! I called my GYN and immediately scheduled a blood test. Blood test was positive...I was pregnant!!

I immediately told my brother and my mom. Tears of fear and joy! I waited almost a week to tell my husband. He was so supportive. We didn't want kids but this was a blessing. I was excited! OMG!! Cribs, clothes, grandparents, etc! EEEKKKK!

First OB appointment, everything was great! Heart was beating fast! OMG, I saw my baby. I was feeling good. A little nausea but not too bad. The cravings set in. Ugh, no wine! :(

JUNE 18, 2010...second ob appointment! Talked to Dr. Z about how to prepare and whether or not I wanted additional testing due to age. I said yes. Ultrasound time. Holy cow...my baby looked like a baby!! I was so excited!! Unfortunately my excitement was short lived. Dr. looked at nurse and then nurse was crying. I had miscarried. My baby was dead. Dr. thought it was the week before but I say date of death was 6.18.10. That was the day that part of me died.

EMOTIONS: Angry, sad, mad, depressed, alone.

D&C: June 21, 2010...my mom's birthday. I did good until I had to go back. I was in denial. Cramping, bleeding and pain. Miserable. Why was this happening?

To be continued.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Getting ideas together for my flier and my letter.

My mind is flooded with ideas for this flier!! I try to keep a notepad beside me so I can jot down notes!! I'm so excited about this endeavor! As you may have noticed, I have added some great blogs that I discovered today. I will continued to add more as I find them.

My goal is to be in local hospitals, and obgyn offices by the end of year! It's going to be tough due to the holidays but the holidays will be a sad time for me.

My due date is January 18 and I should be VERY pregnant right now. Instead of being huge and miserable, I'm so sad. I miss my baby (aka Gizmo) I'm going to write my story tomorrow but today I want to write a letter to my Gizmo.

Dear Gizmo:

Mommy is having a very sad day. As your due date gets closer it's going to start getting harder. It's hard for others to understand the sadness that mommy is going through. I miss you every second of everyday. I love you sweet baby.

Always in my heart,

Mama

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Beginning

I hope that this blog and my future support group will help those in the Wake County area of North Carolina become more aware of the number of miscarriages, stillbirths, etc. I want to raise awareness and help women who need support and to talk about their emotions and feelings. If you have questions regarding this group, please contact me at foreverinourheartsnc@gmail.com

More to come including my story.