Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Eve and 2010

It was a good day! My husband and I went to the zoo!! It was fantastic! It was so good to get out of the house and have such a nice time. We needed it desperately!

Well thank goodness 2010 is almost over. It's been such a horrible year. More elbow surgery and lost baby. Now if I can just make it to January 18. Still unsure of what I'm doing but I know I am taking the day off work.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

People

I found out some disturbing news today about a former coworker. It saddens me because I confided in this person and trusted her. Yet another example of how you can't trust anyone except yourself.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day after Christmas

Wow we have a lot of snow! I didn't venture out today but I am going out in it tomorrow. I am so thankful no work tomorrow and I may not go on Tuesday if it's still bad. Today was pretty good. Nice and relaxing.

Yay Snow!

It's so pretty!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas

Well today's plans changed. My husband stayed home with me due to the anticipated snowfall that North Carolina is going to get. I went to go check on the fish at work and then grabbed a couple of things from the store. Came back home, picked husband up and went to eat at a Chinese buffet! It was really good but I'm paying for it tonight.

I've done okay today. After we got back from eating, I took a really really long nap Almost all afternoon. I think it was a mix of stress and dreading the holidays and I was just completely exhausted. I had intended to do a lot of room organizing but since it looks like we will be snowed in a couple of days, I think I have plenty of time to do that.

Oh yeah, nobody called to check on me today. I had to call Grandma, Mom and Dad. David didn't even call. Just the way I thought it was going to be. Nobody cares. And nobody asked how I was doing. Wow this pretty typical and I shouldn't be surprised. Everybody is doing there own thing and has forgotten what happened to me. It absolutely breaks my heart that my family is treating me this way. I am seriously about done with my family. They have provided no support to me at all. All I hear is you need to get over it and move on. We want Julie back but that's not happening. I will never be the same person ever again. I am appreciative, however, that my mom gave money to St. Jude's, that meant so much. Guess what I just realized, nobody has come to see me since I lost my child. Am I surprised? NO! Nobody gives a flying crap that my child died. They are all concerned over how many damn Christmas gifts they can get, cause that's what Christmas is all about right? Well I for one am glad that Christmas is almost over. I bet nobody stopped for a moment today to remember their other grandchild, niece or nephew. Well I did, Gizmo's mom has thought about him or her all day long and I guess that's all that matters. I've come to learn that I am the only one who cares.

I thought it was appropriate to write a letter to my sweet angel on Christmas, so here goes:

Dearest Gizmo,

Today is Christmas. You could technically be born now. Wow wouldn't that have been great! I went in your room earlier to get a hanger out of the closet and just stood there for a second, wondering why this happened. Mommy will never understand, nor will I ever get over losing you. I see all the pictures of wonderful things that Santa left for other children and I am saddened that you have nothing. We are expecting snow and it would have been great for you to have seen it I think when the weather clears, I am going to buy you a gift and just keep doing it every year.

Mommy is so very sad today, but Daddy has been home with it so it's been easier. I miss you sweet baby and I hope you had a wonderful and beautiful Christmas in heaven. Give Papa Jesse, Papa Claude and Grandma Grace a big kiss from me.

I love you always and forever,

Your mom, Julie

Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Eve

My inlaws come up today and it was really nice. We ate lunch at Chilis and it was just so relaxed and stress free. I hated to see them leave.

Well the sadness has set in but I have a plan for tomorrow. My husband is going to Myrtle Beach and I am staying home. Here's the plan:

Organize recipe cabinet, organize pantry, go to convenience store to get some drinks and make sure we don't need anything else (it's going to snow), possible go eat sushi for lunch, finish listing stuff on ebay and organize room, nap, drink wine and watch some movies. Hopefully I can get all that done. Oh and love on my dogs, because it's my first Christmas Day with them!!

I know my family is probably upset that I am not going down east for Christmas but I am sorry, my child died and I just want to be by myself. I definitely don't intend to sit here and cry all day (although I am sure tears will be shed), but I am not in the mood to "celebrate" and be all happy and act like everything is fine. IT'S NOT FINE!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Almost here

Wow I haven't posted since Monday. Can not believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Looks like my plans will remain the same...staying home on Christmas. Especially since the potential is there for snowfall in our area. A white Christmas is possible...ugh great.

Oh yeah more great news...I twisted my ankle. Yep the one I broke last year. Great freaking great.

Guess what I'm not getting for Christmas....diapers, formula, pacifiers, blankets, cute outfits, toys, baby powder and oh last but not least, A BABY!! That's right no baby for me. He or she could technically be here already but nope, not for me. Yeah while everyone is opening gifts and carrying on with Christmas traditions, I will be sitting here with my dogs (thank goodness for them), staring at the room that would be the nursery. It is still a bedroom with green paint which should be blue?, a bed which should be a crib, my old dresser from when I was a kid which should be a changing table. No baby things in this house, nothing, nada, zilcho. And why is that? Oh yeah, that's right, I lost my child. So on that note, Merry Effing Christmas.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Good day but rough night

Today was good! But tonight was not. I had a bad crying spell. I miss my sweet pea. I wish this had not happened to me. Less than one month until my due date.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Christmas at Mom's

It was really nice. Yeah it was sad because no baby things, but I still had a nice time. I'm still sick which made for an early bed night, well early for a Saturday.

Today I got a special email! My mom donated money to St. Jude's in memory of Gizmo! See this is what I am talking about. If people would acknowledge! Good job mama!!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Long time no post

Blech I'm still freaking sick!! And tired, and achy and stuffy and coughy. Good news! Baby Simpson's name is finally Written in the Sand and I am so excited!! I love it!! More to come tomorrow. I'm tired.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ewwww

I'm sick. Probably got the crud from someone at work. I feel so bad. When I get stressed and worry, my immune system goes down the crapper. I hope it snows tomorrow so I don't have to work.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Yay

I am almost done with Christmas. One more small thing and I'm done! Yay! Now if I can just make it through the next two weeks. I'm so ready for it to be over.

I am so sad and tired of faking.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Christmas

I am so burnt out on Christmas shopping. I am over half way done but geez it stinks. I am in no mood to buy anything. Countdown to Christmas being over is on for sure!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Great Interviews

This video is an interview from The View with Bill and Giuliana Rancic and they are talking about their miscarriage.

This video is an interview with Lisa Ling formerly of The View talking about her recent loss and apparently was around the same time as mine.

It's great to hear others becoming more vocal about this subject, especially those that are in the "spotlight." It's an absolutely horrific thing to have to go through and I think people do need to talk about it. Acknowledgment is a big part of it. If society could just learn to acknowledge that this happens a lot and stop making it such a taboo subject. It just gets ignored and I think a large part is because there was not physical child with a miscarriage. I mean think there was but it wasn't born and that's the issue. It's just so sad that with all of the openness about gay issues, interracial relationships and many taboo subjects, miscarriage and baby loss in general is just not talked about. It literally is an underground group of women who feel pain and sorrow, but have no one to talk to. Sad very sad.

Great videos!

Really?!??!?

I heard some news today that I did not want to hear, because it didn't happen to me. Lord, please help me through this.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Today

I am going to a funeral tonight. My sweet great Aunt passed. It makes me very sad. I loved her a lot. She came all the way to Raleigh to my wedding. That was so sweet.

I'm having a hard time concentrating today, I guess cause of the funeral and knowing it's going to be a long night. Speaking of funerals, guess what my child died and got no service at all. Why didn't we have a memorial service? Why didn't people bring me food or come to see me? Why didn't I get bereavement days at work? Why is nobody going to remember my child at Christmas? Why didn't my dad come to the hospital when I had my D&C? Why didn't my brother come to the hospital? Why is January 18 going to the worst day of my life but to others it will be any other day?

I'm miserable. I want my child back. Everyday day sucks.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

why

I wish people acknowledged that my child was dead. Is it really that hard? Christmas will come and go and everyone will be doing the standard Christmas BS while I'm crying over my baby. That's right everyone, just do your thing, don't mind me and what I'm going through.

Whatever. Screw this.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Back in town

Yeah I am back in town and it stinks. I miss my charlotte friend. I had such a great time. I literally ran out of her house so I would not cry. I panicked on the way home about Christmas. Only a couple weeks away and I dread it.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ahhh chilling

So I'm in Charlotte just chilling out. I think my friend and I are going to the outlets tomorrow! I had fun babysiting her daughter. I wish I had my baby. But mine is dead. I couldn't carry my child so it died. But oh everyone else can get pregnant. WTF!! I wish I had more family support. Whatever.

Friday, December 3, 2010

News

So my best friend called me today and she is pregnant. I'm so happy for her yet so jealous. I've cried a lot today. Thank goodness I'm going out of town for the next 4 days!!! Wilmington tomorrow and Charlotte Sunday-Tuesday!! So super excited!!!

Not sure how I am going to handle her pregnancy. It's going to be trying.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Support Group

Unfortunately I have been battling some demons lately, but I hope to get the support group up and running the first of the year.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tuesday night

I'm tired. It was a long day. I'm ready for the weekend again. I received the book "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination." Can't wait to start reading.

this morning

I don't wish I was dead but I wish I was with my dead child.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Nice real flipping nice

I like how my family doesn't want to talk to me. They run me off the phone and I get oh I'll call you later. WTF ever! Let's not talk to the dead baby's mom. Psssstttt....Julie lost her baby so let's just ignore that. Let's all have a happy time at Christmas and forget Julie's little baby died. Thanks family that's real awesome.

Today

on the road a lot today for work.

don't take this the wrong way, but I wish I was dead. i hate my life.

thank goodness back on meds.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Rough night

I was in the kitchen for 5 hours today, cooking and baking. I overdid it. I am exhausted. I bake and cook to keep my mind off the holidays and heartache, but now I'm sad because I'm tired.

I can't do this. I'm seriously about done. Everyone is getting excited about Christmas with their kids. I have nothing to be excited about. I'm hurting so much. I showed my mom the June 18 ultrasound picture and was fine, but on the way home from her house, I cried a lot. This is so painful. I'm not strong.

Letter to God:

Why God did you take my child from me? I'm so angry at you. Everyone says something was wrong with my baby, but I say bullshit. It's not true. You took him for no good reason. I would have been a great mom and you know it. I am so mad at you. I have been reading and trying to understand why you did this but I don't. I am not celebrating Christmas. I'm going somewhere with my little dog. I want nothing to do with Christmas and it's your fault. I'm not moving past this or getting over it anytime soon. I can't and I don't want too.

Julie

Friday, November 26, 2010

Music, baking and random.

There are a couple of things that have really helped me deal with this situation. Music!!


And BAKING!!! I've baked a lot in the last month or so.



Randomness...today was okay. No black friday shopping. I couldn't get out that early, plus not a lot of Christmas gifts to buy anyway this year. Nothing to celebrate.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Yay! It's almost over!

So glad Thanksgiving is headed out the door. We went to Myrtle and it was really nice. I was still extremely sad but it was a nice time. Come on 3 days off work! Hopefully my books will come in tomorrow! Yay more reading.

See ya Thanksgiving! It's not been that great so hit the door and good riddance!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Song post

This is by far one of my favorite songs ever and Jane Monheit is AMAZING!! I wish sometimes I was over the rainbow.


So I went to church tonight

It was really nice. I cried through most of it of course, but I'm really glad that I went. People got up and said what they were thankful for, but I didn't because well....I'm not that thankful. Some people were saying how bad things had happened but that good came out of it. I can't relate to that yet, but it was nice to hear that there may be hope out there...somewhere. I held my ultrasound picture the entire time.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is tomorrow. We will be heading to Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning. It makes for such a long day since we always do it in a day.

I hope there honestly is a reason that all this happened. Right now I feel like there is not. I miss my sweet little baby so much. I feel pretty sure I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight.

I hope that everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving, even though mine will suck.

Random

I am going to spruce up my blog tonight I think or at least over the holiday weekend.

Seriously?

Like today isn't bad enough...my coworker brought her baby up here. I hear it making sounds. I've seen the baby before, but I really hope she doesn't try to come over here. OMG, please leave. My heart is beating so fast and I can feel the anxiety attack coming on. I feel sick to my stomach. I shut my door and I can still hear them. This is torture.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Screw you Thanksgiving

Bad mood tonight. I am not thankful for anything. I wish my child wasn't dead. I'm sorry people but I have nothing to be thankful for!! Let's see f'up elbow, lost baby and D&C...oh yeah it's been an awesome year. When will it be over. Whatever I'm done. I quit life. It's not worth it.

Yeah

Is it time to go home? Postive note...delicious lunch..chicken pastry, with applesauce and cucumbers in vineger. Oh yeah!

Well it wouldn't be a complete week without my meltdown

Seriously, meltdown on the way to work this morning. Yet again, puffy eyes.

I laughed at my husband last night. I mean major laughing. He asked if I was drunk. If that's not a clear indication of how little I laugh then I don't know what is.

I feel guilty today for laughing so much which probably caused the meltdown.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Monday...getting close

Thanksgiving is almost upon us. I am dreading it like the plague. It will be nice to be off work, although I may end up there on Friday. It's getting busy again.

Today was okay. Busy at work. I was going to watch Toy Story 3 tonight but I am so tired. I didn't sleep well at all. Dreams of being shot do not make for a restful night's sleep.

I miss my little sweetie today. I wish they were still here. It's so hard to understand why this happened. I'm having such a hard time accepting it. Sometimes I wish it were me.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving

No post for a few days, I was taking a break. I haven't been sleeping and am so tired. Today is day 2 of no Zoloft. I have got to get this script filled. I can already tell a difference. Yikes! Getting scary. I bit 3 nails in the quick and tore a huge chunk of skin off my finger yesterday. I'm regretting it because it burns and hurts. It's anxiety big time.

I spent last night with mom. It was nice! I'm such a good faker. Everybody thinks everything is fine but it's not. I fake so I can keep on moving on.

Ahhh Thanksgiving is coming up. I am not thankful at all. Is everyone surprised by that? I am thankful for my friends.

The weekend has been okay. Lots of sleeping. That's about all I do is sleep. It makes time go by faster which I like. I did some baking tonight which helps but then I get so tired and ill. I'm so ready to go to bed but I am trying to stay awake to watch the Walking Dead with Robert. I like that show and enjoy watching it with him. Maybe I relate because I feel like a zombie.

I love Amazon! I am about to order several books on miscarriage and baby loss. That's all I want to read about now. It's all I can relate too. We are supposed to go to Myrtle Beach Thursday, but I don't want too. I want to stay home with my dogs.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tired

I have been so tired lately that I thimk I am going to bed. Today is the dreaded day

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sunshine and Rain

Today I felt okay. I actually laughed at work a lot! It felt so good. I felt guilty afterwards, like I shouldn't have. I guess because I've been sad for so long that it's what I'm used to so when I have other feelings that are different from the norm then that's when the guilt sets in.

I sometimes wonder if my grief is normal. I think it is!! Will have meltdowns...YES!! Will I be okay some days....YES!! I'm tired of feeling like I can't be sad or cry. I don't enjoy my meltdowns but it's my way of mourning my loss. When I cry a lot it makes me feel like I am washing away all of the bad things.

As far as being normal again..well that's not going to happen. I will never ever be the same person. A lot of my family is not okay with that, but guess what I am. This loss has changed me forever plain and simple. If people want to pretend that this didn't happen to me, well I guess that's something I will have to deal with and something they will have to live with. To not acknowledge that I had a child is very painful to me. It hurts. Everyone just carries on with their normal life and that's fine. I don't criticize anyone for doing that. I mean I have to get up every morning and go to work so I can help pay the bills, it's a part of life. However on the other hand to think my life or hope that my life will be normal again is just absurd.

I have been advised by my doctor and family to seek grief counseling and I have considered it but IT'S NOT HAPPENING!! I don't want someone to tell me how to grieve or that this happened for a reason. I'm not ready to believe or listen to any of that, maybe one day I will be but not now.

Tomorrow is 11/18..it's been 5 months since I lost my child and 2 months until my due date and I still wonder why?



Grief is such a roller coaster because some days I feel like okay.



And some days I feel so sad that it hurts.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Wow lots of things have been going on since yesterday morning

I had a major meltdown last night... I MEAN MAJOR!!!!! Parents were calling each other...not good. Husband and I were having a heated discussion and I cried for about an hour and a half straight. I'm doing better today. My eyes are tired and I have pictures to upload for my elbow case. I gotta do it but I'd rather sleep.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. It's been a long time since I cried like that. I wish I could pinpoint what set me off, but I don't know. I was in a very scary place. I don't like it. I have increased my medication per my doctor which hopefully will work. I need a break I'm so tired. Am I crazy? I feel like people think I am. I thought I was last night.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Monday morning

Not really sure why I didn't take today off as planned. I have a doctor's appointment in about an hour for follow up on medicine which is going to make me upset. So why didn't I take today off? Geez I'm definitely not the brightest.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sunday, November 14

Today was pretty good actually! Yay finally! Slept late! It was nice. Sasha my little dog actually slept too which NEVER happens. Went to Ruby Tuesday's with my husband and it was really good. I got a free burger (which I probably will regret later but hopefully not) and brought home a blondie which is still in the kitchen. Came home took a nap, washed some clothes and then headed to mom's for dinner. It was so good! Actually had a nice time. I miss my mom, I need to see her more. We don't always agree on everything especially my recovery but she probably has been the most supportive. Now I'm home waiting for Walking Dead to come on. I wish it didn't come on so late, but it's a good show.

I hope it's a good week at work. I'm off to Charlotte in a couple of weeks for a seminar and to see my friend. I hope time goes by fast. I hope Christmas goes by fast. If anyone gets me anything I think I am going to take it back. I don't want anything.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Today sucks!

Was lazy for a little bit, then showered and went shopping. Got a couple of cute things but overall today sucks. I thought it would be okay but I miss my child. I feel so old. 37. The dreaded age of unsafe pregnancy. Why did I think people would be a little nicer to me. Guess not.

Friday, November 12, 2010

TOO QUIET!

Wow work is quiet today. Everyone is either in a seminar or on vacation. Quiet is nice sometimes. I don't mind it this morning but this afternoon I am sure I will be ready to go home due to boredom.

Do you like quiet?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Really?

Is this for real? One more day of being 36. Actually 36 has sucked. Let's recap 36...elbow surgery, pregnant and miscarriage. Not so great.

Why am I not handling this better. I feel so empty. I want a baby. I miss mine. I feel sick. This sucks.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Damn you Wednesday

So today started off okay...but then it went downhill. I finally showed my husband my necklace. (****see below****) I get no response. He's seriously not talking to me now. WTF?!?!? I am upstairs again alone. I want to crawl under a rock. It sucks. I hate it. I can't do this anymore. I'm over it.

It's going to be a shitty birthday. I dread it.

I miss my little baby. Why is he or she gone? It hurts. It's painful.

I love the Selah song. I listen several times a day.

I am on day 10 of my period. I hate it. It reminds me that I don't have a kid. I think I am having stomach problems because of it. I am sick, very sick. My weight loss is remarkable. I am eating but everything I eat doesn't stay in long. I partially believe I have made myself sick. Part of it is in my mind. I've just kind of given up. I barely function through the day. My quality of life has decreased. It's sad that the world doesn't know what we go through.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Snatched!

That's my word for today. Things that were snatched from me:

My whole family (my parents are divorced)
My dreams of being a lawyer
The best job I ever had!
My child

It doesn't sound like a lot but it is. Family and career are the most important things to me. Why were these things taken from me? It's not fair.

Oh geez...only a couple more days til my birthday. Fuck! I dread it.

I did get my necklace yesterday!! It's awesome!! I love it. I find myself holding it.

Does anyone rely on the presence of your deceased child to help you make decisions? That's my new thing...I am constantly thinking of my child when I make a big decision.

I am so weak today. Seriously day eight of stomach issues. I have a drs. appt. Thursday but I don't want to go. It will not be good news. My weight loss is getting noticeable.

I'm so tired. I didn't sleep good. I miss my baby. It's a bad night. I don't want to be here.

Monday, November 8, 2010

No book review. :(

I didn't finish the book yet. I went to my mom's. I needed my mom last night. Very sad today. It's quiet at work way to quiet. I don't like it because it makes me think. It's cold today in North Carolina and I'm ready to go home. I dread Saturday. I hope this week goes by slow. Stupid ass birthday.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sneak Peek about tonight's post!

Feeling a little better today. I'm going to have new addition to my blog! A book review!! Hopefully tonight I will be reviewing "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. More to come.....



Saturday, November 6, 2010

Not feeling so well

Not really sure what's going on with me. I haven't felt good all day. Day 6 of stomach issues. I had to buy some orange juice at the store to trip to get some vitamins and nutrients. I look like Casper. If I am not better tomorrow, I am going to get my husband to take me to urgent care. I feel so weak and lethargic. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not surprised that I am sick. I've been so stressed lately and when that happens then my immune system gets all screwy.

I was hoping to get my necklace today but no such luck. It would have made me feel better. I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow. I wanted to bake (it's therapy for me), but I didn't get any supplies at the store because I didn't know how I would feel.

I'm missing my baby tonight really bad. Another night of not understanding why this happened. I sometimes feel like a hermit because I stay in my room so much. I just don't want to get out and see any children or babies.

I was going to our family reunion tomorrow but I'm not sure I could even drive there if I felt like it. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I haven't been since my grandma and papa passed away. It's just too painful. I have a hard time dealing with death. When I went to my grandma's this past weekend, I went in my papa's room. I may have only been in there not even a handful of times since he passed in 2008. Something drew me to his room this past trip. Maybe it was my angel baby. Maybe it was my papa telling me that his great grandchild was doing fine. I really just wanted to sit in there and cry. I think I am going to buy a stuffed animal to put in there. I'm definitely going to talk to my grandma first about it.

I hate been sick. It makes me sad. I wish I could lock myself in my room forever.

Friday, November 5, 2010

ooops forgot to post this!


I ordered this as a birthday present to myself. I hope I get it before next Saturday! Thanks to a member of Faces of Loss whose husband had gotten this for her. I had been wanting a piece of jewelry but just hadn't found that perfect piece for me and this is beautiful. I am also thinking of getting a birthstone ring for January. Hurry mail!!

Today

It was so nice not to have to go to work today! I mailed some ebay things that I sold and watched some scary movies. Not sure why I felt the need to watch scary movies, maybe because my life scares me? I seriously have never ever watched any by myself. I watch them with my husband but no way alone.

I haven't been feeling well today...TMI coming. I started depo back in September and had no period until this past Sunday when I started spotting (it was a hard decision for me to get back on birth control and because of recent issues, I'm done). I have been on my period since Monday. Heavy flow and stomach problems. Now, I am a 4 day period girl. Seriously I start day 1 with little to nothing, day two is heavy, day three is meh and day four is practically over. To have 5 days of heavy bleeding is well causing me concern to say the least. I have also passed two big clumps of tissue which really bother me because this has NEVER happened. I am monitoring it over the weekend and kind of taking it easy because I am also having bad cramps when I get up and move around. If this period isn't over by Monday I am calling my gyno. I am so sick of doctors. I'm so weak feeling. I honestly have crapped out everything I have eaten this week. Seriously lost about 5 pounds, I can tell in my face. I don't look good.

One week from tomorrow and I will be 37, wow what a year. Changed jobs, more elbow surgery, pregnant, miscarriage, D&C, and major emotional stress. I'm kind of over this year. Actually, I was kind over last year as well. I pray that year 37 will be awesome, but honestly I am not optimistic at all. I feel like I have been slapped in the face over and over. And the gray hairs...oh my gosh..really sore subject.

I'm bored tonight. It's 5:30 and I'm kind of ready to go to bed. If I don't figure out something to do, it's going to be a night of crying. But hey, what's new on that end.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

It was a good day!

Today was actually pretty good! Got a lot done at work and even got a new client (I work in foreclosures for a large law firm)!! I decided to take tomorrow off and have a Julie day. Unfortunately the majority of my days off this year has been due to surgeries, so I definitely enjoy my free time.

My husband didn't have his online class tonight so we hung out downstairs and watched some tv. That's why my post is so late.

I saw that my story was posted on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!! I hope it helps others! What a great site that is.

Well I'm off to do some research and hit the sack!

Nite blog world.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Night

Another sad night. Where should I go for Christmas? The beach, mountains, Florida? There is no way I am sitting here. Everyone will be celebrating but I'm not sure they will not remember my child.

Just because my child died doesn't mean they don't have a grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. How is it that people can say well my mom, dad, or so and so passed away but we forget that child who passed. They just remember it as Julie had a miscarriage.

Medicine: I upped my Zoloft. I started at 50 mg, then two weeks after 100, tonight I took 150. It's not working on 100.

I wish my child was here and I wasn't. I hate my life. I'm not happy. God I miss my child. Here come the tears. Dammitt.

WHY?!??!?!

I can't concentrate at work. Why does nobody care that my child is gone? How easy people forget!! It seriously is like it never happened. I'm so ready to go home. I love home but then I hate going upstairs to no nursery. This sucks. I love my family but they kind of stink right now. Nothing ever gets mentioned about their dead grandbaby. Nobody gives a shit about how I am doing. Real nice.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tears

I cry a lot! I'm sitting here now just sobbing. I can barely talk. I hate to go downstairs because my husband is going to flip out over me crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so bad today. I keep thinking about my little baby. Great, my eyes are going to be so swollen tomorrow. I need a break. I get in panic mode and I feel like I have to get out. I can't stand this. I can't deal with my birthday next week or the holidays. I hate my stomach. It should be big now. I hit myself sometimes because I get mad. I sometimes want to stab my stomach with a knife. It's very scary. I getting frightened by those thoughts. Why did my baby die? Why are all these other people having babies and I am not??? It's crap!! I am miserable. I'm alone. Nobody cares and nobody calls to check on me. They are so involved in their own lives and other grandkids. Excuse me....you have another one in heaven. I hope to give all the grandparents names in the sand framed pictures for Christmas. Seriously that's all they are getting. I hate fucking Christmas. Your grandchild is dead, Merry Christmas.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Wow November 1 already!


Life goes by so quickly. I like it sometimes but sometimes I don't. I wish I could go back in time. Anyone else ever wish this? I would change so many things. I wonder what my baby is doing in heaven? Probably fishing with my grandparents.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on

Halloween

Man, it was rough tonight. I did pretty good. We were busy with little ones so I was up a lot giving out candy. Now that I'm upstairs, I am on the verge of a panic attack. I've taken my medicine and hopefully I will start relaxing.

To see all the kids pictures on facebook is really really hard. It makes me so very sad. I don't want to go to work tomorrow because I want to stay in bed and cry.

Everything is a constant reminder that I am not pregnant. My baby is supposed to be due in 2 and a half months. I sometimes wonder if I will be able to make it through this. Why is it so hard?

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I Will Carry You*

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?people say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you


*Song by Selah
http://selahonline.com/

Friday, October 29, 2010

Tonight

Yeah it's a sad one. I bought the book, I will Carry You! Can't wait to start reading it. Not a lot to say. Although, someone did ask me if I had children and I said yes one in heaven. :)

And Music for today:

Okay so it's Friday. (Lunchtime post)

It's way too quiet at work right now. I hate quiet sometimes because it makes me think and get sad. It also makes the day go by slow.

So Sunday is Halloween. Yet another holiday if that's what it's called to dread every year. I think wine will be involved. I am looking forward to seeing all the cuties dressed up. I'm going to try not to think about how I will never to get dress up my baby.

So lately, everything has been revolving around well "I'm never going to get to do this or that." I seriously have got to stop it because it's driving me mad.

I'm so glad this week is over! My work really drains me. Always drama or issues and it gets old after while. I think it's going to be a long afternoon. I'm hoping I can leave a tad early today. At least my neck feels a little better.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Thursday!


What a long day! My neck hurts so bad. I'm on muscle relaxant which is nice because it makes me drowsy. I'm so sleepy. Not much to post tonight.

i love you baby simpson.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Music for today!

Muscle Strain

Had to make an emergency trip to the neurologist. Bad muscle strain. Got a medicine patch and muscle relexant. Of course there was a baby in there, why wouldn't there be? Constant torture. Two more days of work!! I'm ready for the weekend.

My neck hurts. I miss my sweet baby today!!

EMOTIONS: Sad cause my neck hurts. Actually that's all today.

NEGATIVE: My freaking neck. It hurts so bad!! Annoyed at work. Really??

POSITIVE: Getting close to the weekend. Laughed a lot today. :) Glad to be in my bed. I found clothes I didn't know I had in the dry cleaning hamper. Yikes! and Yay!

Night Sweats?

So I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, which included night sweats and horrible baby dreams. The remaining other hours consisted of more night sweats and insomnia. Plus something is wrong with my neck and shoulder. I think I pulled something. Is it time to go home yet?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Stop saying that!!! Julie's Top Ten!

I have heard so much much crap recently. I'm so done. Top things Julie has heard about her miscarriage:

1. You need to move forward

2. I don't get it

3. Something was wrong with your baby and you need to accept it

4. I'm tired of seeing you cry

5. You are crazy and sick

6. Don't talk to your family anymore, because they don't understand

7. Things happen for a reason

8. Stop reading sob stories and message boards and volunteer at a hospital or with a civic group.

9. Your baby is in a better place.

10. Be happy again

Seriously people?!?!? Number 6 is the worst for me!! My family is supposed to listen to me, but they have no freaking clue. Why does my family continue to hurt my feelings?

I have seriously got to get this medicine adjusted!! It's not f***king working!!!

On a positive notice, I want to give a shout out to Tiffany at http://namesonthesidewalk.blogspot.com/ I requested my baby's name on the sidewalk.

Why is there not a nursery in my house? I really don't want to be here anymore. Isn't this just a dream?

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: I hate that I couldn't carry my child. Life isn't worth living. Confused, extremely depressed. Tired of faking.

POSITIVE THOUGHTS: Got some cool nailpolish. Starbucks..mmmmm. Almost done with the week!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gross Weather

To start off, sorry about the Jesus comment, that was rude.

It's been a yuck day. My parents still don't get it. I'm really giving up on them. I told my mom that I am not talking about the baby anymore. Today has been really sad. I'm not sure why, maybe it has been the weather, or maybe it's because in less than 3 weeks i will be 37. I feel really down in the dumps. I wish I was decorating the nursery or folding baby clothes. It's getting about time for another Julie vacation, maybe I'll go to the beach, that always makes me feel better.

I'm really questioning why this happened? When am I going to feel better? Why does it hurt so bad? It's been 4 months. I feel gross, like I don't want to be in this body anymore. Nobody gets me. I feel so alone. Why is everyone avoiding the subject? Nobody even mentions it. I have a CHILD!! My mom an Id dad have a GRANDCHILD! My brother has a NIECE or NEPHEW!! Geez people, your wife, daughter, sister is hurting right now. Get a freaking clue. I'm putting on a good front.

Stupid gross weather.

EMOTIONS: Pissed!!!! Angry at the world!!! Sad!!

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY: Work stunk, computers were down (really?, excuse me IT department but I contribute to your salary!!), my fever blister hurts like a B****! Wonder why I got one of those???? Hmmmm??

POSITIVE THINGS TODAY: Talked to my brother, had some sushi for lunch (glad I like that), got a relaxing bath. Drinking some delicious wine.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

October 24, 2010

Well today was better than I thought it was going to be. Didn't do a whole lot, just relaxed and started working on my spreadsheet with doctors and hospitals. Whew it's going to take a while. I go back to the doctor Friday for her to evaluate me since I've been taking my medicine. I'm going to talk to her about the support group. I did locate another support group called parentshare today. I still don't think one is enough. I reposted again on craigslist today. I'm going to try to at least a couple times a week.

I emailed my mom the link for namesinthesand. Definitely doing this. The requests are closed now but I hope I can get it done before January 18. Hopefully Robert and I are going to Disneyworld that weekend, but I still want to have some sort of get together with family and friends.

I woke up early this morning thinking about how I do have a child. A lot of people who lost babies say I did, well you still do. From now on when someone asks me if I have children, I am going to say yes, because I do.

Sunday nights suck ass. I get so depressed. It's another week closer to my due date and another day without my child. Did I mention I dread Christmas? Oh yeah I did. Woo hoo, Jesus was born but my child isn't going to be. I really want a baby. I'm having internal conflict about that. I hate that I started back on birth control..why did I do that?

Another letter to my baby:

Dear Baby:

Why did you leave me? Did you think I was going to be a bad mom? This is so hard. I'm really mad at God today. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm so miserable. I wish you were kicking inside me. WHY WHY WHY aren't you here?

I love you,

mom


EMOTIONS: PISSED OFF, TIRED, DREADING THE WEEK, MAD

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY: I didn't win on my scratch off, I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to, dreading tomorrow, my arm hurts, I hate that there is no nursery.

POSITIVE THINGS: Dinner was good, I started on my spreadsheet, I love my pets.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

October 23, 2010

Today was a little rough and right now I am in the middle of big time pity party. I went to a local shopping event with my mom. I knew there would be tons of baby things there. It was not all baby things, there was jewelry, clothing, art, kitchen gadgets, etc. I had mentally prepared myself for this, but it was different story when I saw the first baby outfit. I didn't cry but I could feel a panic attack coming on. I thought, Julie you can not breakdown in front of all these people. Luckily I got it together and it ended up being a nice time.

I seriously have become obsessed with reading baby loss blogs. I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. Sometimes I can read them without getting upset but tonight I seriously have been reading for hours (and updating mine of course). I've taken my medicine but I am not really feeling relaxed. Feeling very anxious and alone. It's too quiet in my house. I don't like it. My dog is snoring and I probably need to get my snoring on as well but I feel like it's going to be a restless night. I think as January gets closer, it's going to get harder and not easier. Maybe that's what is bothering me today, all the Christmas decorations at the shopping thingie. My mom said I should put up a tree but I can't do it. I actually am planning to stay home this Christmas. I want to curl up with a good book or movie and some good wine. Oh, maybe I'll buy some really comfy pjs. Yes, Christmas will be a sulkfest and I don't really care. I should be optimistic about having a nice Sunday tomorrow but I am not. I will probably just stay in pjs all day and clean. My house is a nightmare.

EMOTIONS: Sad, angry, anxious and panicky.

NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY; Baby clothes and tons of pregnant women. I would be happy if I never saw a baby or pregnant lady ever again. Ugh. I'm sick of it.

POSITIVE THINGS TODAY: Spending time with my mom and playing with her dog. Getting some early birthday presents. Spicy chicken sandwich from Chic-Fil-A. Email saying my clothes from Lands End Canvas shipped.

*****BLOG UPDATES TODAY: Added some new blogs that I am following, big update on Resource Page, and added Baby Simpson to memory wall.*****

Story Continued

After the D&C, I went to spend a couple days with my mom. After a couple I went back to work. I had to get my mind off what had happened. When I left work the week before, I was pregnant and now I was not. It's very hard to wrap your head around that.

Fast forward to now. It's been 4 months since I lost my baby. Time flies by. I have bad days and good days. I get angry, mad and sad. I still don't understand why this happened to me. Everyone says something was wrong with the baby, or things happen for a reason. It's all crap!!!! My baby died plan and simple. It's going to take me a long time to get over this. Each day is a challenge just to keep it together.

This is my story in a nutshell. I hope to expand on some of my feelings during these past few months and the days surrounding my loss and surgery.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Story

A little background:

Robert and I were married on March 8, 2003. We had talked about kids..I wanted 2 he wanted 1. I agreed. The years went by...2004, 2005, 2006...no kids. Vacations and trips oh yes!! We decided no kids!! We were having too much fun together! House in a nice neighborhood, two dogs and a cat. We were fine. 2007, 2008 were great!!!

2009: Between the beginning of March and the middle of May I had broken my foot, lost my job, broken my elbow and had surgery. It was not good. I fell into deep depression. I felt worthless and alone. July 2009, I got a job at a law firm..not what I wanted but at least I had a backup. In August 2009, husband lost his job. Unemployment again?!?!? My job at the law firm lasted until almost the end of December. I got another job with a bigger and better law firm in Raleigh! Yay closer to home and doing something I was good at!! January 2010, back to ortho for follow up....not good. Not good equals more surgery! February 18 2010 back for more surgery to remove excess bone, remove screws and ligament surgery. Three more months of PT.

Fast forward to April 2010....Las Vegas. I wasn't supposed to go, but I had received comps which were non transferable. It was cheaper for me to go with Mr. vs. him paying so much for room. April 25, 2010...he should have gone out with his friends, instead the conception of Baby Simpson occurred.

Pregnancy: I knew I was pregnant. I felt different within a couple of days. I took a test super early...negative. Next week right before period...another test...negative. Following week, period due...no period. Two days late...took another test....POSITIVE! What?!?!?!??! We didn't want kids!! I was freaking out!! I called my GYN and immediately scheduled a blood test. Blood test was positive...I was pregnant!!

I immediately told my brother and my mom. Tears of fear and joy! I waited almost a week to tell my husband. He was so supportive. We didn't want kids but this was a blessing. I was excited! OMG!! Cribs, clothes, grandparents, etc! EEEKKKK!

First OB appointment, everything was great! Heart was beating fast! OMG, I saw my baby. I was feeling good. A little nausea but not too bad. The cravings set in. Ugh, no wine! :(

JUNE 18, 2010...second ob appointment! Talked to Dr. Z about how to prepare and whether or not I wanted additional testing due to age. I said yes. Ultrasound time. Holy cow...my baby looked like a baby!! I was so excited!! Unfortunately my excitement was short lived. Dr. looked at nurse and then nurse was crying. I had miscarried. My baby was dead. Dr. thought it was the week before but I say date of death was 6.18.10. That was the day that part of me died.

EMOTIONS: Angry, sad, mad, depressed, alone.

D&C: June 21, 2010...my mom's birthday. I did good until I had to go back. I was in denial. Cramping, bleeding and pain. Miserable. Why was this happening?

To be continued.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Getting ideas together for my flier and my letter.

My mind is flooded with ideas for this flier!! I try to keep a notepad beside me so I can jot down notes!! I'm so excited about this endeavor! As you may have noticed, I have added some great blogs that I discovered today. I will continued to add more as I find them.

My goal is to be in local hospitals, and obgyn offices by the end of year! It's going to be tough due to the holidays but the holidays will be a sad time for me.

My due date is January 18 and I should be VERY pregnant right now. Instead of being huge and miserable, I'm so sad. I miss my baby (aka Gizmo) I'm going to write my story tomorrow but today I want to write a letter to my Gizmo.

Dear Gizmo:

Mommy is having a very sad day. As your due date gets closer it's going to start getting harder. It's hard for others to understand the sadness that mommy is going through. I miss you every second of everyday. I love you sweet baby.

Always in my heart,

Mama

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Beginning

I hope that this blog and my future support group will help those in the Wake County area of North Carolina become more aware of the number of miscarriages, stillbirths, etc. I want to raise awareness and help women who need support and to talk about their emotions and feelings. If you have questions regarding this group, please contact me at foreverinourheartsnc@gmail.com

More to come including my story.