Saturday, April 16, 2011

Wow! It's been a long time since I posted.

I'm definitely still around. Another hard date is coming up, April 25 will be the anniversary of baby Gizmo's conception. And seriously, if we could just skip over June that would be great. I honestly think that is going to be harder than January 18 was (due date).

I have not been to the past two Glory Baby meetings and I am so disappointed in myself. Work has been just a nightmare and I've been exhausted, but that's no excuse. I am also disappointed that it's been so long since I've posted. This is supposed to be my journal of feelings and what I'm going through. I'm going to start back posting.

I've been feeling kind of cut off from the world lately. I don't know what that means or what is going on. I guess I'm still focused on what should be going on right now. I should have a 3 month old little girl (I know in my heart I was having a girl) right now, but instead I've got nothing, no crying or cooing, just sitting here listening to my ceiling fan.

I've been doing better with my "meltdowns," but unfortunately one reared it's ugly head earlier this week. I received a free sample of Enfamil. I called them to demand that my name be taken off mailing lists. As soon as I hung up, I lost it. I was screaming and crying. It's amazing how one little thing can just set you off. I miss that child so much, the pain is still indescribable.

Of course now, there is no mention of what happened by anyone. It's not like there ever was but absolutely everything is back to normal with everyone. Everyone but me. I still hurt so bad, I just don't show it. Guess I finally got the memo that nobody wanted to hear about it.

Just so everyone knows...I'm not fine. The world is not fine because my child is not here with me.

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