ooops forgot to post this!

I ordered this as a birthday present to myself. I hope I get it before next Saturday! Thanks to a member of Faces of Loss whose husband had gotten this for her. I had been wanting a piece of jewelry but just hadn't found that perfect piece for me and this is beautiful. I am also thinking of getting a birthstone ring for January. Hurry mail!!

Today

It was so nice not to have to go to work today! I mailed some ebay things that I sold and watched some scary movies. Not sure why I felt the need to watch scary movies, maybe because my life scares me? I seriously have never ever watched any by myself. I watch them with my husband but no way alone.

I haven't been feeling well today...TMI coming. I started depo back in September and had no period until this past Sunday when I started spotting (it was a hard decision for me to get back on birth control and because of recent issues, I'm done). I have been on my period since Monday. Heavy flow and stomach problems. Now, I am a 4 day period girl. Seriously I start day 1 with little to nothing, day two is heavy, day three is meh and day four is practically over. To have 5 days of heavy bleeding is well causing me concern to say the least. I have also passed two big clumps of tissue which really bother me because this has NEVER happened. I am monitoring it over the weekend and kind of taking it easy because I am also having bad cramps when I get up and move around. If this period isn't over by Monday I am calling my gyno. I am so sick of doctors. I'm so weak feeling. I honestly have crapped out everything I have eaten this week. Seriously lost about 5 pounds, I can tell in my face. I don't look good.

One week from tomorrow and I will be 37, wow what a year. Changed jobs, more elbow surgery, pregnant, miscarriage, D&C, and major emotional stress. I'm kind of over this year. Actually, I was kind over last year as well. I pray that year 37 will be awesome, but honestly I am not optimistic at all. I feel like I have been slapped in the face over and over. And the gray hairs...oh my gosh..really sore subject.

I'm bored tonight. It's 5:30 and I'm kind of ready to go to bed. If I don't figure out something to do, it's going to be a night of crying. But hey, what's new on that end.

It was a good day!

Today was actually pretty good! Got a lot done at work and even got a new client (I work in foreclosures for a large law firm)!! I decided to take tomorrow off and have a Julie day. Unfortunately the majority of my days off this year has been due to surgeries, so I definitely enjoy my free time.

My husband didn't have his online class tonight so we hung out downstairs and watched some tv. That's why my post is so late.

I saw that my story was posted on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!! I hope it helps others! What a great site that is.

Well I'm off to do some research and hit the sack!

Nite blog world.

Night

Another sad night. Where should I go for Christmas? The beach, mountains, Florida? There is no way I am sitting here. Everyone will be celebrating but I'm not sure they will not remember my child.

Just because my child died doesn't mean they don't have a grandchild, niece, nephew, etc. How is it that people can say well my mom, dad, or so and so passed away but we forget that child who passed. They just remember it as Julie had a miscarriage.

Medicine: I upped my Zoloft. I started at 50 mg, then two weeks after 100, tonight I took 150. It's not working on 100.

I wish my child was here and I wasn't. I hate my life. I'm not happy. God I miss my child. Here come the tears. Dammitt.

WHY?!??!?!

I can't concentrate at work. Why does nobody care that my child is gone? How easy people forget!! It seriously is like it never happened. I'm so ready to go home. I love home but then I hate going upstairs to no nursery. This sucks. I love my family but they kind of stink right now. Nothing ever gets mentioned about their dead grandbaby. Nobody gives a shit about how I am doing. Real nice.

Tears

I cry a lot! I'm sitting here now just sobbing. I can barely talk. I hate to go downstairs because my husband is going to flip out over me crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so bad today. I keep thinking about my little baby. Great, my eyes are going to be so swollen tomorrow. I need a break. I get in panic mode and I feel like I have to get out. I can't stand this. I can't deal with my birthday next week or the holidays. I hate my stomach. It should be big now. I hit myself sometimes because I get mad. I sometimes want to stab my stomach with a knife. It's very scary. I getting frightened by those thoughts. Why did my baby die? Why are all these other people having babies and I am not??? It's crap!! I am miserable. I'm alone. Nobody cares and nobody calls to check on me. They are so involved in their own lives and other grandkids. Excuse me....you have another one in heaven. I hope to give all the grandparents names in the sand framed pictures for Christmas. Seriously that's all they are getting. I hate fucking Christmas. Your grandchild is dead, Merry Christmas.

Wow November 1 already!

Life goes by so quickly. I like it sometimes but sometimes I don't. I wish I could go back in time. Anyone else ever wish this? I would change so many things. I wonder what my baby is doing in heaven? Probably fishing with my grandparents.