Tears

I cry a lot! I'm sitting here now just sobbing. I can barely talk. I hate to go downstairs because my husband is going to flip out over me crying. I can't breathe. It hurts so bad today. I keep thinking about my little baby. Great, my eyes are going to be so swollen tomorrow. I need a break. I get in panic mode and I feel like I have to get out. I can't stand this. I can't deal with my birthday next week or the holidays. I hate my stomach. It should be big now. I hit myself sometimes because I get mad. I sometimes want to stab my stomach with a knife. It's very scary. I getting frightened by those thoughts. Why did my baby die? Why are all these other people having babies and I am not??? It's crap!! I am miserable. I'm alone. Nobody cares and nobody calls to check on me. They are so involved in their own lives and other grandkids. Excuse me....you have another one in heaven. I hope to give all the grandparents names in the sand framed pictures for Christmas. Seriously that's all they are getting. I hate fucking Christmas. Your grandchild is dead, Merry Christmas.