Wow work is quiet today. Everyone is either in a seminar or on vacation. Quiet is nice sometimes. I don't mind it this morning but this afternoon I am sure I will be ready to go home due to boredom.
Do you like quiet?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Really?
Is this for real? One more day of being 36. Actually 36 has sucked. Let's recap 36...elbow surgery, pregnant and miscarriage. Not so great.
Why am I not handling this better. I feel so empty. I want a baby. I miss mine. I feel sick. This sucks.
Why am I not handling this better. I feel so empty. I want a baby. I miss mine. I feel sick. This sucks.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Damn you Wednesday
So today started off okay...but then it went downhill. I finally showed my husband my necklace. (****see below****) I get no response. He's seriously not talking to me now. WTF?!?!? I am upstairs again alone. I want to crawl under a rock. It sucks. I hate it. I can't do this anymore. I'm over it.
It's going to be a shitty birthday. I dread it.
I miss my little baby. Why is he or she gone? It hurts. It's painful.
I love the Selah song. I listen several times a day.
I am on day 10 of my period. I hate it. It reminds me that I don't have a kid. I think I am having stomach problems because of it. I am sick, very sick. My weight loss is remarkable. I am eating but everything I eat doesn't stay in long. I partially believe I have made myself sick. Part of it is in my mind. I've just kind of given up. I barely function through the day. My quality of life has decreased. It's sad that the world doesn't know what we go through.
It's going to be a shitty birthday. I dread it.
I miss my little baby. Why is he or she gone? It hurts. It's painful.
I love the Selah song. I listen several times a day.
I am on day 10 of my period. I hate it. It reminds me that I don't have a kid. I think I am having stomach problems because of it. I am sick, very sick. My weight loss is remarkable. I am eating but everything I eat doesn't stay in long. I partially believe I have made myself sick. Part of it is in my mind. I've just kind of given up. I barely function through the day. My quality of life has decreased. It's sad that the world doesn't know what we go through.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Snatched!
That's my word for today. Things that were snatched from me:
My whole family (my parents are divorced)
My dreams of being a lawyer
The best job I ever had!
My child
It doesn't sound like a lot but it is. Family and career are the most important things to me. Why were these things taken from me? It's not fair.
Oh geez...only a couple more days til my birthday. Fuck! I dread it.
I did get my necklace yesterday!! It's awesome!! I love it. I find myself holding it.
Does anyone rely on the presence of your deceased child to help you make decisions? That's my new thing...I am constantly thinking of my child when I make a big decision.
I am so weak today. Seriously day eight of stomach issues. I have a drs. appt. Thursday but I don't want to go. It will not be good news. My weight loss is getting noticeable.
I'm so tired. I didn't sleep good. I miss my baby. It's a bad night. I don't want to be here.
My whole family (my parents are divorced)
My dreams of being a lawyer
The best job I ever had!
My child
It doesn't sound like a lot but it is. Family and career are the most important things to me. Why were these things taken from me? It's not fair.
Oh geez...only a couple more days til my birthday. Fuck! I dread it.
I did get my necklace yesterday!! It's awesome!! I love it. I find myself holding it.
Does anyone rely on the presence of your deceased child to help you make decisions? That's my new thing...I am constantly thinking of my child when I make a big decision.
I am so weak today. Seriously day eight of stomach issues. I have a drs. appt. Thursday but I don't want to go. It will not be good news. My weight loss is getting noticeable.
I'm so tired. I didn't sleep good. I miss my baby. It's a bad night. I don't want to be here.
Monday, November 8, 2010
No book review. :(
I didn't finish the book yet. I went to my mom's. I needed my mom last night. Very sad today. It's quiet at work way to quiet. I don't like it because it makes me think. It's cold today in North Carolina and I'm ready to go home. I dread Saturday. I hope this week goes by slow. Stupid ass birthday.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sneak Peek about tonight's post!
Feeling a little better today. I'm going to have new addition to my blog! A book review!! Hopefully tonight I will be reviewing "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. More to come.....
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Not feeling so well
Not really sure what's going on with me. I haven't felt good all day. Day 6 of stomach issues. I had to buy some orange juice at the store to trip to get some vitamins and nutrients. I look like Casper. If I am not better tomorrow, I am going to get my husband to take me to urgent care. I feel so weak and lethargic. All I want to do is sleep. I'm not surprised that I am sick. I've been so stressed lately and when that happens then my immune system gets all screwy.
I was hoping to get my necklace today but no such luck. It would have made me feel better. I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow. I wanted to bake (it's therapy for me), but I didn't get any supplies at the store because I didn't know how I would feel.
I'm missing my baby tonight really bad. Another night of not understanding why this happened. I sometimes feel like a hermit because I stay in my room so much. I just don't want to get out and see any children or babies.
I was going to our family reunion tomorrow but I'm not sure I could even drive there if I felt like it. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I haven't been since my grandma and papa passed away. It's just too painful. I have a hard time dealing with death. When I went to my grandma's this past weekend, I went in my papa's room. I may have only been in there not even a handful of times since he passed in 2008. Something drew me to his room this past trip. Maybe it was my angel baby. Maybe it was my papa telling me that his great grandchild was doing fine. I really just wanted to sit in there and cry. I think I am going to buy a stuffed animal to put in there. I'm definitely going to talk to my grandma first about it.
I hate been sick. It makes me sad. I wish I could lock myself in my room forever.
I was hoping to get my necklace today but no such luck. It would have made me feel better. I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow. I wanted to bake (it's therapy for me), but I didn't get any supplies at the store because I didn't know how I would feel.
I'm missing my baby tonight really bad. Another night of not understanding why this happened. I sometimes feel like a hermit because I stay in my room so much. I just don't want to get out and see any children or babies.
I was going to our family reunion tomorrow but I'm not sure I could even drive there if I felt like it. I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I haven't been since my grandma and papa passed away. It's just too painful. I have a hard time dealing with death. When I went to my grandma's this past weekend, I went in my papa's room. I may have only been in there not even a handful of times since he passed in 2008. Something drew me to his room this past trip. Maybe it was my angel baby. Maybe it was my papa telling me that his great grandchild was doing fine. I really just wanted to sit in there and cry. I think I am going to buy a stuffed animal to put in there. I'm definitely going to talk to my grandma first about it.
I hate been sick. It makes me sad. I wish I could lock myself in my room forever.
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