Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas

Well today's plans changed. My husband stayed home with me due to the anticipated snowfall that North Carolina is going to get. I went to go check on the fish at work and then grabbed a couple of things from the store. Came back home, picked husband up and went to eat at a Chinese buffet! It was really good but I'm paying for it tonight.

I've done okay today. After we got back from eating, I took a really really long nap Almost all afternoon. I think it was a mix of stress and dreading the holidays and I was just completely exhausted. I had intended to do a lot of room organizing but since it looks like we will be snowed in a couple of days, I think I have plenty of time to do that.

Oh yeah, nobody called to check on me today. I had to call Grandma, Mom and Dad. David didn't even call. Just the way I thought it was going to be. Nobody cares. And nobody asked how I was doing. Wow this pretty typical and I shouldn't be surprised. Everybody is doing there own thing and has forgotten what happened to me. It absolutely breaks my heart that my family is treating me this way. I am seriously about done with my family. They have provided no support to me at all. All I hear is you need to get over it and move on. We want Julie back but that's not happening. I will never be the same person ever again. I am appreciative, however, that my mom gave money to St. Jude's, that meant so much. Guess what I just realized, nobody has come to see me since I lost my child. Am I surprised? NO! Nobody gives a flying crap that my child died. They are all concerned over how many damn Christmas gifts they can get, cause that's what Christmas is all about right? Well I for one am glad that Christmas is almost over. I bet nobody stopped for a moment today to remember their other grandchild, niece or nephew. Well I did, Gizmo's mom has thought about him or her all day long and I guess that's all that matters. I've come to learn that I am the only one who cares.

I thought it was appropriate to write a letter to my sweet angel on Christmas, so here goes:

Dearest Gizmo,

Today is Christmas. You could technically be born now. Wow wouldn't that have been great! I went in your room earlier to get a hanger out of the closet and just stood there for a second, wondering why this happened. Mommy will never understand, nor will I ever get over losing you. I see all the pictures of wonderful things that Santa left for other children and I am saddened that you have nothing. We are expecting snow and it would have been great for you to have seen it I think when the weather clears, I am going to buy you a gift and just keep doing it every year.

Mommy is so very sad today, but Daddy has been home with it so it's been easier. I miss you sweet baby and I hope you had a wonderful and beautiful Christmas in heaven. Give Papa Jesse, Papa Claude and Grandma Grace a big kiss from me.

I love you always and forever,

Your mom, Julie

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