Thanksgiving

No post for a few days, I was taking a break. I haven't been sleeping and am so tired. Today is day 2 of no Zoloft. I have got to get this script filled. I can already tell a difference. Yikes! Getting scary. I bit 3 nails in the quick and tore a huge chunk of skin off my finger yesterday. I'm regretting it because it burns and hurts. It's anxiety big time.

I spent last night with mom. It was nice! I'm such a good faker. Everybody thinks everything is fine but it's not. I fake so I can keep on moving on.

Ahhh Thanksgiving is coming up. I am not thankful at all. Is everyone surprised by that? I am thankful for my friends.

The weekend has been okay. Lots of sleeping. That's about all I do is sleep. It makes time go by faster which I like. I did some baking tonight which helps but then I get so tired and ill. I'm so ready to go to bed but I am trying to stay awake to watch the Walking Dead with Robert. I like that show and enjoy watching it with him. Maybe I relate because I feel like a zombie.

I love Amazon! I am about to order several books on miscarriage and baby loss. That's all I want to read about now. It's all I can relate too. We are supposed to go to Myrtle Beach Thursday, but I don't want too. I want to stay home with my dogs.

Tired

I have been so tired lately that I thimk I am going to bed. Today is the dreaded day

Sunshine and Rain

Today I felt okay. I actually laughed at work a lot! It felt so good. I felt guilty afterwards, like I shouldn't have. I guess because I've been sad for so long that it's what I'm used to so when I have other feelings that are different from the norm then that's when the guilt sets in.

I sometimes wonder if my grief is normal. I think it is!! Will have meltdowns...YES!! Will I be okay some days....YES!! I'm tired of feeling like I can't be sad or cry. I don't enjoy my meltdowns but it's my way of mourning my loss. When I cry a lot it makes me feel like I am washing away all of the bad things.

As far as being normal again..well that's not going to happen. I will never ever be the same person. A lot of my family is not okay with that, but guess what I am. This loss has changed me forever plain and simple. If people want to pretend that this didn't happen to me, well I guess that's something I will have to deal with and something they will have to live with. To not acknowledge that I had a child is very painful to me. It hurts. Everyone just carries on with their normal life and that's fine. I don't criticize anyone for doing that. I mean I have to get up every morning and go to work so I can help pay the bills, it's a part of life. However on the other hand to think my life or hope that my life will be normal again is just absurd.

I have been advised by my doctor and family to seek grief counseling and I have considered it but IT'S NOT HAPPENING!! I don't want someone to tell me how to grieve or that this happened for a reason. I'm not ready to believe or listen to any of that, maybe one day I will be but not now.

Tomorrow is 11/18..it's been 5 months since I lost my child and 2 months until my due date and I still wonder why?

Grief is such a roller coaster because some days I feel like okay.

And some days I feel so sad that it hurts.

Wow lots of things have been going on since yesterday morning

I had a major meltdown last night... I MEAN MAJOR!!!!! Parents were calling each other...not good. Husband and I were having a heated discussion and I cried for about an hour and a half straight. I'm doing better today. My eyes are tired and I have pictures to upload for my elbow case. I gotta do it but I'd rather sleep.

I'm not sure what happened yesterday. It's been a long time since I cried like that. I wish I could pinpoint what set me off, but I don't know. I was in a very scary place. I don't like it. I have increased my medication per my doctor which hopefully will work. I need a break I'm so tired. Am I crazy? I feel like people think I am. I thought I was last night.

Monday morning

Not really sure why I didn't take today off as planned. I have a doctor's appointment in about an hour for follow up on medicine which is going to make me upset. So why didn't I take today off? Geez I'm definitely not the brightest.

Sunday, November 14

Today was pretty good actually! Yay finally! Slept late! It was nice. Sasha my little dog actually slept too which NEVER happens. Went to Ruby Tuesday's with my husband and it was really good. I got a free burger (which I probably will regret later but hopefully not) and brought home a blondie which is still in the kitchen. Came home took a nap, washed some clothes and then headed to mom's for dinner. It was so good! Actually had a nice time. I miss my mom, I need to see her more. We don't always agree on everything especially my recovery but she probably has been the most supportive. Now I'm home waiting for Walking Dead to come on. I wish it didn't come on so late, but it's a good show.

I hope it's a good week at work. I'm off to Charlotte in a couple of weeks for a seminar and to see my friend. I hope time goes by fast. I hope Christmas goes by fast. If anyone gets me anything I think I am going to take it back. I don't want anything.

Today sucks!

Was lazy for a little bit, then showered and went shopping. Got a couple of cute things but overall today sucks. I thought it would be okay but I miss my child. I feel so old. 37. The dreaded age of unsafe pregnancy. Why did I think people would be a little nicer to me. Guess not.