Sunshine and Rain

Today I felt okay. I actually laughed at work a lot! It felt so good. I felt guilty afterwards, like I shouldn't have. I guess because I've been sad for so long that it's what I'm used to so when I have other feelings that are different from the norm then that's when the guilt sets in.

I sometimes wonder if my grief is normal. I think it is!! Will have meltdowns...YES!! Will I be okay some days....YES!! I'm tired of feeling like I can't be sad or cry. I don't enjoy my meltdowns but it's my way of mourning my loss. When I cry a lot it makes me feel like I am washing away all of the bad things.

As far as being normal again..well that's not going to happen. I will never ever be the same person. A lot of my family is not okay with that, but guess what I am. This loss has changed me forever plain and simple. If people want to pretend that this didn't happen to me, well I guess that's something I will have to deal with and something they will have to live with. To not acknowledge that I had a child is very painful to me. It hurts. Everyone just carries on with their normal life and that's fine. I don't criticize anyone for doing that. I mean I have to get up every morning and go to work so I can help pay the bills, it's a part of life. However on the other hand to think my life or hope that my life will be normal again is just absurd.

I have been advised by my doctor and family to seek grief counseling and I have considered it but IT'S NOT HAPPENING!! I don't want someone to tell me how to grieve or that this happened for a reason. I'm not ready to believe or listen to any of that, maybe one day I will be but not now.

Tomorrow is 11/18..it's been 5 months since I lost my child and 2 months until my due date and I still wonder why?

Grief is such a roller coaster because some days I feel like okay.

And some days I feel so sad that it hurts.