Today was a little rough and right now I am in the middle of big time pity party. I went to a local shopping event with my mom. I knew there would be tons of baby things there. It was not all baby things, there was jewelry, clothing, art, kitchen gadgets, etc. I had mentally prepared myself for this, but it was different story when I saw the first baby outfit. I didn't cry but I could feel a panic attack coming on. I thought, Julie you can not breakdown in front of all these people. Luckily I got it together and it ended up being a nice time.
I seriously have become obsessed with reading baby loss blogs. I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. Sometimes I can read them without getting upset but tonight I seriously have been reading for hours (and updating mine of course). I've taken my medicine but I am not really feeling relaxed. Feeling very anxious and alone. It's too quiet in my house. I don't like it. My dog is snoring and I probably need to get my snoring on as well but I feel like it's going to be a restless night. I think as January gets closer, it's going to get harder and not easier. Maybe that's what is bothering me today, all the Christmas decorations at the shopping thingie. My mom said I should put up a tree but I can't do it. I actually am planning to stay home this Christmas. I want to curl up with a good book or movie and some good wine. Oh, maybe I'll buy some really comfy pjs. Yes, Christmas will be a sulkfest and I don't really care. I should be optimistic about having a nice Sunday tomorrow but I am not. I will probably just stay in pjs all day and clean. My house is a nightmare.
EMOTIONS: Sad, angry, anxious and panicky.
NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY; Baby clothes and tons of pregnant women. I would be happy if I never saw a baby or pregnant lady ever again. Ugh. I'm sick of it.
POSITIVE THINGS TODAY: Spending time with my mom and playing with her dog. Getting some early birthday presents. Spicy chicken sandwich from Chic-Fil-A. Email saying my clothes from Lands End Canvas shipped.
*****BLOG UPDATES TODAY: Added some new blogs that I am following, big update on Resource Page, and added Baby Simpson to memory wall.*****