Well today was better than I thought it was going to be. Didn't do a whole lot, just relaxed and started working on my spreadsheet with doctors and hospitals. Whew it's going to take a while. I go back to the doctor Friday for her to evaluate me since I've been taking my medicine. I'm going to talk to her about the support group. I did locate another support group called parentshare today. I still don't think one is enough. I reposted again on craigslist today. I'm going to try to at least a couple times a week.
I emailed my mom the link for namesinthesand. Definitely doing this. The requests are closed now but I hope I can get it done before January 18. Hopefully Robert and I are going to Disneyworld that weekend, but I still want to have some sort of get together with family and friends.
I woke up early this morning thinking about how I do have a child. A lot of people who lost babies say I did, well you still do. From now on when someone asks me if I have children, I am going to say yes, because I do.
Sunday nights suck ass. I get so depressed. It's another week closer to my due date and another day without my child. Did I mention I dread Christmas? Oh yeah I did. Woo hoo, Jesus was born but my child isn't going to be. I really want a baby. I'm having internal conflict about that. I hate that I started back on birth control..why did I do that?
Another letter to my baby:
Why did you leave me? Did you think I was going to be a bad mom? This is so hard. I'm really mad at God today. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm so miserable. I wish you were kicking inside me. WHY WHY WHY aren't you here?
I love you,
EMOTIONS: PISSED OFF, TIRED, DREADING THE WEEK, MAD
NEGATIVE THINGS TODAY: I didn't win on my scratch off, I didn't sleep as much as I wanted to, dreading tomorrow, my arm hurts, I hate that there is no nursery.
POSITIVE THINGS: Dinner was good, I started on my spreadsheet, I love my pets.