Rough night

I was in the kitchen for 5 hours today, cooking and baking. I overdid it. I am exhausted. I bake and cook to keep my mind off the holidays and heartache, but now I'm sad because I'm tired.

I can't do this. I'm seriously about done. Everyone is getting excited about Christmas with their kids. I have nothing to be excited about. I'm hurting so much. I showed my mom the June 18 ultrasound picture and was fine, but on the way home from her house, I cried a lot. This is so painful. I'm not strong.

Letter to God:

Why God did you take my child from me? I'm so angry at you. Everyone says something was wrong with my baby, but I say bullshit. It's not true. You took him for no good reason. I would have been a great mom and you know it. I am so mad at you. I have been reading and trying to understand why you did this but I don't. I am not celebrating Christmas. I'm going somewhere with my little dog. I want nothing to do with Christmas and it's your fault. I'm not moving past this or getting over it anytime soon. I can't and I don't want too.

Julie